Feeling a little bipolar

People are going to fail you.

I have tried to let the guideline of having no expectations follow me after the race. It’s hard to do when you go back to the life that you lived before your life was completely changed. How do I adjust when I thought I was doing good? Then again, this is the first time to be with whole family since being back. The first holiday where I am the only single person and I didn’t realize it would be this hard. I also still have no job and currently not in school. There is only one of the family member like me; my 19 year-old cousin who is traveling the US and Canada with LifeAction for the second year.

I’m a 23 year old who is single, jobless, not in school with loans. I’m a failure. I have to become dependent on others. I feel like I am somewhat close to feeling entitled to things. Maybe not materialistic things but feelings of doubt, frustration, sadness, overwhelmed, and worry as well as not feeling worthy, qualified. wanted, or beautiful.

I am stronger than that though. God has given me the strength to dig up the hurt and to deal with it than to just bury it and hope that it will never reappear which is very tempting.

I don’t want to waste my time in school so that I can minster to the displaced people and those who come from an abusive situation but there aren’t any places I could go before at least getting my degree which will take at least 3 years and more loans. I am working on starting the application process to go back to undergrad next fall. I love learning but I just want to serve and minister. I know I need a job to live and minimum wage isn’t enough but is it? If I am doing God’s will, he’ll make a way for it be enough. I am not saying that I want to work for minimum wage the rest of my life. Plus, I need a job first.

How much longer God? How many more applications? How many more interviews? Before I get a call back.

The thing is that at some places, if I put down that I have completed some college then I am over qualified. At some places, even though I was at consistent with malco and hibbetts then I have too much experience in one area. Actually no one said the last one but I could conclude that. Or maybe I look to desperate but how do I not look that way when I can anytime and any day and will take any position.

i just want to be done. Some moments I have the thought that I just wish it was my time to go. That this is the time God destined me to leave this earth.

I know this is season for God and I. Last season was for me to see what true community looks like. To see how community supposed to be. I have fought the battle of being dependent on God and not on others before and for some reason, most of the time I lose the battle. I lost that battle a lot before the race. I thought I had changed but I guess not. Loosing the battle tends to also cause me to loose others or to at least cause distance and trouble for my friendships.

Abba Father, help me see the truths behind the lies that are overwhelming me. Give me the strength to hold on. Give me more grace so I can be okay to continue to fail until I have come upon what you have for me. Lavish me with thoughts of how amazing you are and remind me of the simple beauties in life. Also, I would be greatly grateful if you could send some hope my way. Thank you for your constant presence in my life. Thank you for continuing to break the chains that I seem to be holding tightly onto and keep picking up. Thank you for being patient with me in the transition time. Thank you for humbling me by making me become dependent on Maria and sometimes, my mom to provide shelter, food, transportation,  for toilet paper and for the necessities of life. Your daughter.

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