I know I am prone to carry burdens of others but I become forgetful and in result, find a way to relate the burdens to my life. It’s hard to know when it’s my junk or others when there is silence or it’s a stranger’s burden. I’ve realized that I’m a feeler and haven’t mastered it yet. Then again, I don’t think I’m ever meant to master being a feeler, a truth bringer, or person who has full trust or faith in God. I can strive for these things but I’m not perfect and will mess up.
Worthless. Useless. Hopeless. Unwanted. Unequipped. Unheard. Unneeded. Unhappy. Underachiever.
I’ve felt these more or less over the past month. Today I called about a part time job that would pay minimum wage plus commission but didn’t get the job. I was really hoping for this one because I knew it would help pay for all the traveling I would like to do late April through mid May. I am on the job hunt for a part time job again.
Time to fill out countless applications and go to countless interviews. I know God has me at McDonald’s for a reason and I will get more hours in time. I’ve only gotten about 7 hours a week. I know that God has another part job for me to that I can start paying off loans, help out with rent and food, for books when I go to school this summer, and hopefully for all the travels. I know trying to save for traveling is kind of a long shot but I don’t want to miss Hill T.O.P., Harrison and Brittany’s wedding, Michelle and Darrell’s graduation, Cara and Justin’s celebration of their marriage, World Race training camp, or visiting Jon and Emma as well as hopefully Vanessa in Texas.
Yes, that is a lot of traveling and I will either be traveling by bus or car depending on if/when I get my license. Which means I’ll need quite a lot of extra money. My fellow employees encourage me to be patient because it was the same for them their first month.
Anyway, once I get off of the phone about the job; I started crying but I force myself to start because I had to be out of the apartment walking within a few minutes to make it to work on time. On that 20 minute or so walk, all of those feelings flooded in and I forced myself not to cry because I didn’t want someone to stop and ask I was okay. I didn’t want to make to work with a red face and watery eyes,
As I walked listen to music asking God to be my DJ and today’s picks were not my favorite. One was “One Day Too Late” by Skillet. It’s a good song. Just realized why. If we are feeling a certain negative way, we should make someone feel the opposite of that. I know there is a better way of explaining that. An example is if I am feeling unheard then I should talk to someone and ask how they really are doing and LISTEN. Not be thinking about what I am going to be saying. I never thought I did that till this past week. God called my attention to particular thing that would help me become more humbleAs all these negative feeling washed over me, I tried speaking truths over me so that I would forget the lies. I told myself that I am CHOSEN, LOVED, WANTED, KNOWN. Now after working and doing other things, God has chosen to speak more truth: I am WORTHY as rubies, a BEAUTIFUL creation, His VESSEL, His DAUGHTER, His BELOVED, an IMPORTANT puzzle piece in His magnificent puzzle.
I know God has gifted me with the ability to feel what others are feeling for a reason. I know that he allowed the Enemy to give me thoughts of hopeless and loneliness throughout high school and college for a reason.
I was allowed to feel so much hopelessness that I got to the point of thinking about suicide and having thoughts of how I could do it enter my mind so that I can be there for the ones who think there is no other way. To show them Jesus
I know that while in Thailand trying to intercede, I pictured and felt like I was a girl trapped in the sex slavery for a purpose. Yes, it was only for a little while and I only understand a small bit of what they go through every moment of every day but God allowed me to go through that for a reason.
I’ve felt out of place for the specific reason to notice and go to the ones that don’t feel like they belong. To love on them and show them how much Jesus loves them.
I was allowed to get to point of not being able to think of nothing else but a party I would be going to that night because there would be alcohol and weed for one night so that I can somewhat truly understand how easy addiction can take over someone’s life.
I was even allowed to try to use cigarettes as a legal way of smoking and to try to feel better to be smoking so that I could minister to the ones who are trapped by addiction.
I was allowed to go though my family’s house being foreclosed. If it wasn’t for God’s grace and provision, my family could have been homeless. We weren’t because of God allowed to live in the same city as my mom’s side of the family. So for a few months, we lived with my grandparents then an apartment. I trust God and have faith that He would have provided another place for us. I’m not saying that people who are homeless aren’t trusting God or don’t have enough faith in Him, just that I was close to be homeless. I know I can’t fully relate to a person who is or has been homeless but through ministering to them in NYC, Memphis, and New Orleans; God has given me His eyes and His heart for them. I trust that He’ll give me the words when I need them, the patience when I need it, and serve how I need to.
I was allowed to feel unheard to know everyone has story, they need the chance and way to share it. To fight for their voices.
I was allowed to feel timid to be able to know that everyone are great at something but haven’t been allowed to bloom. They were suppressed by fear or something of the sort. God made me confident at the beginning of the race so that I knew how amazing it is to know my stories are important, my life is important, and that people want to listen. To fight for people to be able to do what they want confidently. To advocate for the injustices that God has made me and others passionate for.
So I am allowing God to continue to allow the Enemy to make me feel things that I know isn’t of God so that I can reach the least of these as well as all kind of people. I once thought about how it would be interesting if God allowed me to blind or deaf for a while.
So will you let God allow the Enemy to test you?
If you do, trust God. He will never give you more than you can handle. He won’t allow the Enemy more than He knew you can take on. He knows you. He is your father, friend, counselor, comforter, and so many more.