Insight on the worst day in good while

It started with 4 minutes of being on the clock, I get asked if I could clock out then clock back in a hour later. It somewhat frustrated me but I was used to this. It was better than when I expecting which was to be sent home.. You see, it’s not me but it’s that we haven’t gotten much business lately. I have been at McDonald’s for a little over a month and only been trained on fries. Since the front counter people can handle the fries when times are slow, I get sent home early a lot. I just recently got put on the schedule. I used to come in at 11 then leave when they told me to. This the first week I have a schedule. 11-2 on Thursday and Friday. 6 hours total. Anyway, I clock and work for an hour when I get told to go clean the lobby. Which always means that I am going to be sent home soon. I didn’t even finish the lobby today before they told me to clock and go home. So, I worked an hour and 17 minutes total today.

Why did they hire me if they can’t keep me for my scheduled hours?

I know that God gave me this job for a reason and I know that He’ll provide but really. I got my hopes up when a 30 hour paid position opened up at my church’s kitchen but nope. I got my hopes up when I got a call from Subway wanting to know if I could work 4:30-8:30 but nope. I have my hopes up about Fred’s when I might start at the beginning of February but how many hours will I get there.

The reason I say that this is the worst day is because of the enemy’s attacks.

Here’s a list of the thoughts the enemy attacked me with:
-I’m not good enough
-Fall down into the road to get run over
-To cut myself with a razor while in the shower
-To buy alcohol on the way home to numb myself
-To have the desire to drink and/or smoke to try to escape
-That no one cares about me

I haven’t hit a low like this in like a year and half. March 2011 before I signed up for the race. I guess you can say that I’m in a very dark place. Hopefully, this is just a one day thing and tomorrow will be different.

I know God has me. Even if tomorrow is the same, then God will give me enough strength to make it.

God will use this experience to make His kingdom greater.

I’m still in the thick of it so I can’t tell you the outcome, the lessons, and the positive things about this experience but I’ll will write a second part that hopefully will make sense.

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A squad God given truths (Ruth, Jenna, Jake, Kyle, Spencer, Katlyn Head, Angel, Vanessa, Katie, and AJ)

Ruth-My flower child, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Shine, child, shine. I’ve prepared you for this. So get ready because you are going soon. Don’t be scared. You won’t be alone. You’ll be surrounded by my grace, mercy, and love. You’ll follow the timeline of love that I have for you. Don’t chase after something that is clearly not of me. Don’t slip so easily. Learn to call on me in those times where you feel that you’ll slipping into your old ways. The ways that don’t honor me. For you are not as anything less than rubies. You’re royalty. You’re a precious stone. You’re beautiful. You’re a child of God. You’re a treasure that I’ll keep hidden until the right time. You’re a diamond in the rough. I adore you. There are so many more illustrations of how precious you are to me. I love holding your hand and leading you in dances. Come dance with me. Let me whisper compliments and truths in your ear.

Jenna Ah, this time is pretty sweet. This time is for me romancing you. For me to work through you to be a light to the ones who are struggling around you. Let a sweet aroma wash over your head, onto your shoulders then flow over your entire body. Let me replenish your soul so that you can be there for others. To be able to spill over your love onto others. My beauty shines though you and I’ll continue to bless you in extravagant ways.

Jake-Refresh your soul. Worship in a way that you haven’t in a while. Find a way to serve me. Serve me through giving. Giving of time, words, and/or attitude. Be confident in what I have for you. The love I have for you. That I’ll never leave you. No matter what. Choose to trust that I have everything covered. Realize that all of these things I do are in my timing and in my ways. Balance is the key in life. I’m your rock. The one who’ll never leave, fail, or left you to hang dry.

Kyle-Rest my son in my peace. I have control and I know where you life leads. Take one day at a time. Matthew 6:34 The fact that you’ve taken the time to hide my word in your heart. You’ve chosen to be confident that my plans are greater than you could ever imagine. Your days and thoughts will be more calm if you look at me constantly. Psalm 86:4-5,13. My love is wondrous and vast that covers you. Trust me fully with ALL aspects of your future. Lean on my understandings. Proverbs 3:5 Choose joy in waiting on my time to show you my time to show you my plans. I’m your GPS in your life.

Spencer-The world is yours. Explore more.. The possibilities are grand. Don”t wait. Follow me. Have faith to do the scary things. Let me refuel you in the time as well. To sit with me and soak me in. Refresh your soul. Psalm 55:6, 2 Corinthians 9:8 Clearly, adventure will always be in your life, it just might start looking differently. Seek me out to know which on to do and what path to take. I’ve been here the whole time, there’s no need to search for me. Just sit and have open ears.

Katlyn H.-Keep on dancing my baby girl. Worship me and hang out with me for right now. I’ll provide a place big enough for you to do this dream. This is my dream for you.
Rest my daughter, rest. Let me refill your heart, mind, and soul. Give your body a break as well. Sit with me. Let my grace wash over you. Just sitting with
me makes me happy.
I delight in the fact that you spend time with me. No matter how long it is. I’ll bless your time. I’ll calm you. I’ll shower you with my grace. My love will be a continuous waterfall.

Angel-Believe me that I’m sovereign. That I’ll direct you on the right path. Sit with me and let me tell you which direction. You shine to the lost. Your passion is being rekindled, just have patience. This journey has been a roller coaster but there have been and will be more ups. Trust me. Spend time to reflect the positive things that have happened.

Vanessa-Beautiful. It’s beautiful. To see transition. Transformation is inevitable. Creation into a masterpiece.
Starlit path directing you to bring freedom. To choose to sit and bask in my presence and to fall in love with the place you’ll find to worship me. Rest easy that you’ll be able to belt out all you want.
A fire has been set in you. Passion has been released. You have a heart of gold and I’ll use it to set the captives free.

Katie-Relax. Put things down. Be patient in my timing. I’m the leader of your life. Let me have control. Complete control. Let me love you in this way. Let peace wash over you. Have grace for yourself.
Be confident in my ways, my timing. Release the past. Be encouraged that there is always forgiveness. I’ll never run out of love for you.

AJ-You’re right where you need to be for now. Rest in that I know what your life holds and what it’ll look like. Trust that I’ll tell you in the perfect timing . In just the right time where you’ll have ample time to prepare. REST. Cherish this time with the people that are surrounding you . There are others that you feel like you want to be near. Right now, I need you where you are. I need you to be a living role model of me to these people. To people you met recently.
Speak up. Don’t let your voice be smothered and the important things remain in the dust. Your stories are important. They may be about things that people are skeptical about but you know the facts and what happened. You were there.
The past is what it is. I’ve forgotten what happened [the regrets/mistakes] and you should too. You’ve been holding onto these for far too long. You know you are set free. Being back doesn’t change that or that you are my daughter. I will always love you, no matter what.

Raw to the core

I know I am prone to carry burdens of others but I become forgetful and in result, find a way to relate the burdens to my life. It’s hard to know when it’s my junk or others when there is silence or it’s a stranger’s burden. I’ve realized that I’m a feeler and haven’t mastered it yet. Then again, I don’t think I’m ever meant to master being a feeler, a truth bringer, or person who has full trust or faith in God. I can strive for these things but I’m not perfect and will mess up. 

Worthless. Useless. Hopeless. Unwanted. Unequipped. Unheard. Unneeded. Unhappy. Underachiever.

I’ve felt these more or less over the past month. Today I called about a part time job that would pay minimum wage plus commission but didn’t get the job. I was really hoping for this one because I knew it would help pay for all the traveling I would like to do late April through mid May. I am on the job hunt for a part time job again.

Time to fill out countless applications and go to countless interviews. I know God has me at McDonald’s for a reason and I will get more hours in time. I’ve only gotten about 7 hours a week. I know that God has another part job for me to that I can start paying off loans, help out with rent and food, for books when I go to school this summer, and hopefully for all the travels. I know trying to save for traveling is kind of a long shot but I don’t want to miss Hill T.O.P., Harrison and Brittany’s wedding, Michelle and Darrell’s graduation, Cara and Justin’s celebration of their marriage, World Race training camp, or visiting Jon and Emma as well as hopefully Vanessa in Texas. 

Yes, that is a lot of traveling and I will either be traveling by bus or car depending on if/when I get my license. Which means I’ll need quite a lot of extra money. My fellow employees encourage me to be patient because it was the same for them their first month.

Anyway, once I get off of the phone about the job; I started crying but I force myself to start because I had to be out of the apartment walking within a few minutes to make it to work on time. On that 20 minute or so walk, all of those feelings flooded in and I forced myself not to cry because I didn’t want someone to stop and ask I was okay. I didn’t want to make to work with a red face and watery eyes, 

As I walked listen to music asking God to be my DJ and today’s picks were not my favorite. One was “One Day Too Late” by Skillet. It’s a good song. Just realized why. If we are feeling a certain negative way, we should make someone feel the opposite of that. I know there is a better way of explaining that. An example is if I am feeling unheard then I should talk to someone and ask how they really are doing and LISTEN. Not be thinking about what I am going to be saying. I never thought I did that till this past week. God called my attention to particular thing that would help me become more humbleAs all these negative feeling washed over me, I tried speaking truths over me so that I would forget the lies. I told myself that I am CHOSEN, LOVED, WANTED, KNOWN. Now after working and doing other things, God has chosen to speak more truth: I am WORTHY as rubies, a BEAUTIFUL creation, His VESSEL, His DAUGHTER,  His BELOVED, an IMPORTANT puzzle piece in His magnificent puzzle.
I know God has gifted me with the ability to feel what others are feeling for a reason. I know that he allowed the Enemy to give me thoughts of hopeless and loneliness throughout high school and college for a reason.
I was allowed to feel so much hopelessness that I got to the point of thinking about suicide and having thoughts of how I could do it enter my mind so that I can be there for the ones who think there is no other way. To show them Jesus

I know that while in Thailand trying to intercede, I pictured and felt like I was a girl trapped in the sex slavery for a purpose. Yes, it was only for a little while and I only understand a small bit of what they go through every moment of every day but God allowed me to go through that for a reason. 

I’ve felt out of place for the specific reason to notice and go to the ones that don’t feel like they belong. To love on them and show them how much Jesus loves them. 

I was allowed to get to point of not being able to think of nothing else but a party I would be going to that night because there would be alcohol and weed for one night so that I can somewhat truly understand how easy addiction can take over someone’s life.
I was even allowed to try to use cigarettes as a legal way of smoking and to try to feel better to be smoking so that I could minister to the ones who are trapped by addiction.

I was allowed to go though my family’s house being foreclosed. If it wasn’t for God’s grace and provision, my family could have been homeless. We weren’t because of God allowed to live in the same city as my mom’s side of the family. So for a few months, we lived with my grandparents then an apartment. I trust God and have faith that He would have provided another place for us. I’m not saying that people who are homeless aren’t trusting God or don’t have enough faith in Him, just that I was close to be homeless. I know I can’t fully relate to a person who is or has been homeless but through ministering to them in NYC, Memphis, and New Orleans; God has given me His eyes and His heart for them. I trust that He’ll give me the words when I need them, the patience when I need it, and serve how I need to.

I was allowed to feel unheard to know everyone has story, they need the chance and way to share it. To fight for their voices.

I was allowed to feel timid to be able to know that everyone are great at something but haven’t been allowed to bloom. They were suppressed by fear or something of the sort. God made me confident at the beginning of the race so that I knew how amazing it is to know my stories are important, my life is important, and that people want to listen. To fight for people to be able to do what they want confidently. To advocate for the injustices that God has made me and others passionate for. 

So I am allowing God to continue to allow the Enemy to make me feel things that I know isn’t of God so that I can reach the least of these as well as all kind of people. I once thought about how it would be interesting if God allowed me to blind or deaf for a while.

So will you let God allow the Enemy to test you? 
If you do, trust God. He will never give you more than you can handle. He won’t allow the Enemy more than He knew you can take on. He knows you. He is your father, friend, counselor, comforter, and so many more.