Continuation of late night revelations

I am not sure why God has decided to finally take me on the journey of the world race and the parts where it reminds me of how much healing that needs to happen. I guess it could be that time slowed down or there are few distractions.

Tonight, God reminded me that I did connect with people at training camp. It was just the ones that either didn’t make it to launch or left at the middle of month 2 of the race. 

I feel that he is telling me that ‘look, you are good at making connections” but then the enemy swoops in with ‘but you are worthless and there is nothing special about you”

I am tired of fighting the enemy on this particular issue. It seems to be a constant battle. 

Am I really that plain that it would make sense for me to have no interests or dreams?

I wish I would either stop posting or start writing positive things.

I feel like have a great physical immune system and that I am an emotional wreck. A calm and collected wreck. 

An unforeseen wreck to me most of time. A somewhat invisible wreck to most people most of the time.

I have built a defense system for so long. I am not even sure what the defense systems is sometimes.

Well, I was expecting more since the past few nights, God had a lot to reveal. Maybe once I get some sleep…might edit or post another blog .

 

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Looking back on how God changed my desires for His [part 2]

It’s a daily fight not choose numbness but to remember the past.

To continue to dig in hopes of finding the root that has caused me to be in a mess for some many years.

INDIA

Limitless, my second team who were only together month 4 in December 2011.

This month was the first time I was God heal someone through me and my team. I read in the bible and in world race blogs but didn’t believe it.

Same goes for casting out a demon.

I got to the amazing healing power of God….His power in general.

Then our suffered a blow when one of ours announced he was leaving the race because he couldn’t handle his depression.
I want to so badly pray for God to heal.
I couldn’t though because he believed God gave him depression caused by chemical imbalance for a reason.

I am pretty sure that in those few days, I prayed the hardest I had ever had.I prayed that a miracle would happen. When one doesn’t believe, then it makes it hard to happen. Not impossible, just hard. Well, the miracle that I wanted didn’t happen.

I cried out in frustration. I was confused.

I also prayed hard that our team would stay together even though we only had one guy now.
Looking back, I wish they would have done something. I was devastated but maybe it would had been better for a change.

I also blindly thought we were fine. On our way next to the next country, we finally talked about it as a team. We had been avoided each other the past week because at first, we couldn’t say anything to everyone else. We avoided each other so we wouldn’t have to talk about it and probably cry again.

Trust was broken. The guy had been thinking about it most of the previous month and had talked to leaders. People were upset that he hadn’t said anything to us. We were afraid and knew our team wouldn’t be together long. I went into that month with blind optimism.

TEAM CHANGE

I again had blind optimism for this new team.

The thing was that a teammate from the previous team and I joined a team that had been together for two months but had issues as well. Didn’t help that adding two more people.

Being intentional became hard.

We were at the middle of the race…Definitely out of the honeymoon stage.

Trust issues grew. Fear of abandonment had returned.

We met a missionary from England. We were in Rwanda. He in a way was a distraction. He’s a great guy and I still keep in touch with him but our team focused him while he was with us so we could bury team problems for a little while.

MY LAST TEAM

Months 9-11

All I am going to say is that I wish I would have acted and said something sooner. I could have been building on friendships. I could have been forming new ones.

I might have come off the race in not great place emotionally but God has blown my perspective of Him out of the water. 

I trusted that He had me and that He was in control. 

He still has me and always will. He is and always will be the leader of my life.

Looking back on how God has changed my desires for His [part 1]

….or at least what I think they are as of right now.

In high school, I did have crush and when I did…I did the dumb thing and approach the boy. I guess I was too impatient and too annoyed by the rules that I was supposed to follow.

I haven’t had a constant desire to be in relationship but there are moments that everyone gets when they are lonely or it has been while since they had been in a relationship. Well, I assume everyone gets those feelings.

I usually have about a 2 week stint of feeling crummy about not being in a relationship every once in a while but it is not constant.

I had  a thought as I realized that I prayed the prayer I have tapped on my bible everyday then it would loose meaning.

The prayer:
“Jesus,
Whatever you say, I believe you.
Whatever you do, I trust you.
Wherever you lead, I will follow.
I devote myself to you above all others.
I give up all my desires and pursuits for yours.
There is no cost too great for being your disciple.
I abandon everything so that I may come after you.
For you alone are worthy.
Amen.”

I felt that God reminded me of I have never constantly desired to be in a relationship with a guy. I am not sure if this means that single for the rest of my life but if so then I should find joy in that. I shouldn’t be trying conjure up the desire to be in a relationship because that is the norm.

I have learned that God rarely works in the norm. God likes to blow us away by his provision.

This does make me question my long-time desire to adopt and in the recent years [probably 3] to become a foster parent.

Now combining that thought that I may not be destined to be in a relationship or married and knowing the importance of not raising a child in a one parent home then how can I have the desire to adopt and be a foster parent? It doesn’t make sense.

The thing is I don’t have to know the answers. It doesn’t to make sense now. I know God’s plans are far greater that I could ever imagine so I trust Him.

I am just now getting to see more of God wants me to do career wise. He broke my heart for human trafficking in high school. He gave me a desire but no means to go to Cambodia to work with the Somaly Mam Foundation. He let me sign up for a 4 month mission trip that focused on human trafficking but in the end, took me on an 11 month adventure. I got to do ministry in the red light district of Chang Mai, Thailand.

This past January, 6 months after returning from my adventure; God revealed to me a specific dream. To somehow help set up a specific part of trauma counseling specifically for sex slavery victims.

This past week, I discovered a university where I can get my masters in counseling then a certificate in trauma counseling. I have been searching for a programs but was struggling.

God gives us desires and glimpses of His vision but doesn’t stop there. He leads us on the path.

The thing with the relationship that I mainly desire friendship. I have friends all over the place. I am having a hard trying to figure out balance with the one good friend that lives in the same city I do.

I have always struggled with balance of what friendship looks like and what co-dependency looks like.

I somewhat feel like I have tainted view of friendship. Or maybe I’m just holding too much onto the past. Maybe I haven’t let go of past hurts like I thought I had.

Maybe I form expectations that are too high for anyone to reach and don’t realize until after.

The crazy amazing thing is when God redesigns my desires.

I wasn’t looking to move off campus…I was just going to deal with the fact that I was going to be moving in with a complete stranger and hope that it not being the summer and more stuff going that it would be easier to meet people.

God had someone else come to me and ask me to live with them.. Funny thing is she was supposed to be my roommate this summer and was kinda of bummed when she moved out because of finances. She was graced by the opportunity to live with her pastor’s family. We will have one more roommate.

I can’t wait to see what God does but I am trying to get too excited and think about what could happen because I am fearful of having too high of expectations and be self-destructive.

What I am not sure of is; is me thinking that I put too high expectations on people true or is it a lie that I had been told?

JUST HAD A REVELATION…

God took me back to March 2011 and reminded just how close I was to wanting to be done. That moment only lasted maybe an hour but it was extreme. 

I was tired of feeling like a revolving door. I didn’t know how to be a friend. I really didn’t. I saw the definitions with others and their friendship. I just couldn’t grasp the concept. I was socially handicapped an no one told me.

In March 2011, it had been 4 months since a friend was out of my life without a word [they just left, not dead]. This friend was like the 6th friend at college that I had lost touch with in 2.5 years. That’s a lot of people to go through. I should also point out that I went to college that had less than 600 students.

If I wasn’t in class, I was in my room. I am pretty sure I neglected working on papers too. Let’s just say I was mess but became so numb before I even lost touch that last friend that no one noticed a difference. Actually, that just shows you how not close I was with everyone.

I am not even sure why it take unitl March for me to have somewhat of a break down. i reached out how I always do and posted a note of facebook. That week did show me that people did pay attention to my facebook.

I can be honest and say that the last friendship I had was not healthy. I am pretty sure that I really did treat her like people dating would.

The thing, I really don’t know the difference. I haven’t seen healthy friendship or relationship so I really didn’t know how I was supposed to act as a friend.

I am saying all of this because God revealed to me that I was completely broken and crying out and only wanting it to be me and God when I signed up for the race.

I really did have a severe jaded view of community and friendships. I think I knew there was possibility for me to experience good community.

I was numb and somewhat depressed.

i can’t remember how God brought the world race to me this time. I had heard about it once before two years before. There was a human trafficking 4 month route. I didn’t submit the application until May 29th, probably was hesitant and possibly may have had to wait on money. Anyway, I spent the next week or two looking at blogs about stories of redemption in the bars or what was going on in the red light district.

I had the interviewed and was accepted the first week of June. I pretty sure it was Wednesday when I called to confirm the cancellation or the trip then to ask if I could go on the 11 month one. They said yes.

I didn’t much time think about it because while I was on the phone, my work called and I had to go to work. I remember then joining the facebook group and getting overwhelmed by the fact that I need $3,000 in like a week or maybe it was less and all the gear that I thought I needed. I searched for training camp blogs but since it is better for you to go in with no expectations and no little as possible, I found nothing. i also went to Chattanooga for a few days with my sister and mom to see my now brother-in-law, Darrell. Long story short, I didn’t have time to read blogs on teams or what actually world race living looked like,

I also didn’t know anyone to ask about the world race. Every question that a family member or friend asked, I replied I will know after training camp.Yeah, nope…all I had was the experience of the Holy Spirit, listening prayer, and hearing tongues for the first time. But I welcomed all of that with no problem.

No wonder no one wanted to supported this crazy thing I did.

I did feel like I made a connection with one girl but of course, she wasn’t on my team.

To get to the point, God reminded me that he was slowly working in me to fight the fear of rejection and just started working on me trusting people again. God showed me that I was more focused on Him and me, not my team which was okay.

He let me focus of the busy schedule of ministry we had that month and let me take me baby steps of letting people in. He let me see that amazing community of Hope Church in Dragensti-Olt, Romania so that I could know why fellowship and discipleship is so important. He let me use my servant’s heart.

To be honest. I didn’t realize how much of a distance I put myself from my first team.

God is reminding me that those first three months was for me to see what community looked like from the outside. I actually got to see what it meant to truly serve one another. I got see what another one encouraging another looked like. I got to see how sisters are supposed to be to each other. I got to see what loving a friend/sister looks like.

God let me see what community looks like so that with my next team. I could try to put it into practice. What I learned got challenged when one left without any prior notice. It broke trust and change team dynamics. God showed me how a community builds from being shattered.

Sadly, after 4th team change; community started to look different. A bad outlook had formed.

I ended the race knowing what community was suppose to look like. Sadly, I came off the race from a shattered community.

I began to go back to my old ways of becoming numb.

What God reminded me of tonight was that I started the race completely broken with him slowly working on me. I can’t let what others thought or said of what I was like at the time get to me.

God reminded me that he put me on the race to show me true community. And now, I know what to look for.

To be continued…

Looking back in hopes of being able to live in freedom

I have said in blogs on the few sites I have posted blogs on [xanga, fb, worldrace, and here] that I keep a journal but I write a blog because it seems more final. At the beginning, it might have been that I knew people would read so then that is how I searched for attention. The place where I someone unintentionally caused drama but kept doing it even though it was never my intent. I choose to confront my problems with my friends through writing a blog that others could see. You, I have never been great with confrontation and usually have a really hard trying to do ir face-to-face that I am pretty sure I have only down a handful of times. That’s not the point, the point is that I try to journal at first but sometimes, it only seems that I can forget about whatever is going on by blogging. 

I don’t know if one of the main reasons I blog is because I want the affirmation of others and attention. I say all of this because I want to talk about my first best friend that I can remember which will lead to my thoughts on why and how I felt on some of first team’s feedback….definitely breaking the 24 hour rule but I will try not to go into too much detail and I will not name names. 

Please don’t offended by anything that I say because I am doing this in hopes that it will help me heal and move on. 

I seem to always remember the sad stuff not much of the happy and I am not entirely sure why. I guess it could be that it helps not get my hopes up so that I end up having low expectations of any relationship lasting long or being healthy. My view on that I tell people and have been trying to convince myself is that God has given me the heart to love someone that I would only be friend for a short time such as a few months the same way I would love a friend of 11 years. I would love to say that the love causes me to be vulnerable with anyone and everyone but to be honest, the place I am most vulnerable is here. How crazy is that? It’s not that I expect reactions because only about 5% of the time, I get a comment or anything to let me know what someone thought of my blog. I am not asking for comments or anything just stating that it is crazy that I will be more vulnerable in a public online form than to the closest person on earth in my life. Like I have mentioned before, I have trust issues.

I feel like I am getting off topic. I will try to get back on and not be too jumbled. 

I just need to stop trying to explain why I am going to say to try not hurt or anger anyone and just say it.

Back to early high school years:
I had been replaced by the original. The original had returned after a year of absence. My naive side grew thinking that this wouldn’t be like my last good friend whose best friend became jealous and pushed me away. I would make plans with my bestie and she never made it seem like it was a maybe. There were so many times where I would have my mom drop me off at the movies lying that my bestie was there when I wasn’t sure. What usually happened next was that I would text my bestie asking ‘what;s up’ or something of the sorts but never ‘where are you?’ or ‘don;t we have plans’ but would just go to the movies by myself. I am pretty sure my mom knew that most of the time, I was stood up. Yes, I know that is that word that you use more when it’s date but what else would you call it? I remember one night when she told me she would come pick me up…I remember sitting infront of the side door just watching and waiting. It was quite sad and pathetic. 

Then why would I do that? Why didn’t I find other friends? Well, that would be because there wasn’t a group that I belonged to. You see, my high school consisted of about 2,000 people and 100s of groups to get involved in. I wasn’t in band, I didn’t act, I wasn’t artistic, and I wasn’t on a sports team…I had low self-esteem, okay? Anyway, another big reason is that I became co-dependent on her.. 

We became bus buddies on a science trip in 8th grade. We rode the same bus home. I might always wonder if the original didn’t leave then would I have become friends with bestie at all. 

To shorten the story…I was a loner in high school.. 

Back to college years:
Except I continued to be a loner. I tried putting myself out there and did make a really good friend and we’re pretty good. I consider her my sister, Yes, I consider my other bestie my sister too but we’re just not as close. I am not that closer to the one I call sister. Yes, I know a lot about her and she tell me anything, vise versa but I still hold stuff back. I still fear rejection and humiliation. I am more sensitive than I like to admit but I have a hardened shell….a thick, very hard shell.  

My sister transferred colleges after my freshman year. I also had to deal with another original but it would be better to call her the ‘other’. The other pressured my sister to ask me not come hang out in her room as much. The other was mad that she was leaving and me taking time away was a no no. 

After that, it seemed like I didn’t have a close friend for longer than a semester and none of them were sadly considered to be really close friends to me. [Sorry]

Pre-race/little more about college years
First, when I signed up on the race; I was in a season where the only person I wanted to hang out with was Jesus because He is always with me. He’ll never leave me. i have been in that season for about 2 and half months. Before I entered that season, I was done with people and I wanted to be done earth. I wanted to so badly just die and go and be with God. After much prayer and call out in a fb note; I realized that I could just be fine with being with Jesus.

We all know that isn’t possible…at least not life long, maybe for a short time but that’s it. i was just a point of being done with only be able to keep friends for only about 4 months. I didn’t really know what was wrong with me other than I knew I developed I co-dependency of my bestie but I was like a first friend these people found on campus then dropped when they found better people. 

When I look back, I know part of was that I was clingy. I don’t if it was that I hung out so much with my sister and none of friends seem to like me that I had to start over again. The two years after that kind of blur together but I just know that I would make a friend or two then after a few months, they would move on. There was no fight or reason. So I just started living life in my room and watch shows/movies on my laptop.

First three months on the race
I was the only southerner on the team and it seemed that I was the most traditional. i was on an all girls team which scared because I have always gotten along better with guys, I soon learned that all of them were close with their family members, had past boyfriends, and did the party scene. I couldn’t relate. The only stories that were happy were mission stories and how could I coming from a traditional southern Baptist life pipe in about a story of helping build a house in Mexico or homeless ministry when they told stories of the number of guys they had kissed or bar stories. i am not judging or trying to say these bad things but just that I also felt since we were on an amazing 11 month mission trip that just started…then when talk more about missions. i am not sure why I felt like that they would not want hear my stories and why I thought it would be wrong they told one of the bar stories in between my missionary stories. I didn’t want to talk about my failed friendships because they probably have gotten tired of hearing the same kind of stories..feel bad but avoid me. I have no idea would have actually happened if I became vulnerable but I was of rejection. Plus, I knew that most likely I would only be with them for a couple of months. 

i will say that I got to a point of resentment because they had story of happiness. They could talk about their parent’s met or any history of their parents prior to their birth. They would make comments about how the only got a few comments when I hardly even got one. Yes, I know jealously was forming for BS reasons. I let little things make me tick but never voice my frustrations. Well, apparently at least not to them but to others. Anyway, that’s another topic.

In month three, I was given feedback that “I don’t have to make up symptoms just to have something to talk about”. I am sorry but WTF? I had been fedback on how I shouldn’t respond to a feedback but do the 24 hour rule. The 24 rule is that if you have a concern or a question about a feedback that someone gave you , then after that team time, you had to 24 hours to go to the person. Yeah. like I said I hate confrontation. Another thing to note is that for the first two months, my team told me they wanted to hear my stories and that I had voice but I just wrote them off saying that once they heard one they wouldn’t want to hear sad stories all the time. I became frustrated by how they were approaching but I didn’t know a better way so I didn’t speak up. 

 I was just used to observing conversations which I do enjoy doing. I do have times where I would love to talk but something was holding me back from trying to get close. 

A lot of it really wasn’t their fault, it was more that the last friendship I had ended with no goodbye and a blocking of me of facebook. It was nothing I did and I was just a really tiny part of what was going with my friend. I also have never lived in community. I wasn’t really friends with any of the roommates I had and I also changed roommates every semester..not on purpose, just happened. 

The main point is that I started the race jaded and just trying to figure out how to have a two way relationship with God. How the Holy Spirit operated and what listening prayer was. I  took on all the spiritual stuff fine because God had always been with me. 

Another thing I told myself and others was that these women would loud and extroverts which is the opposite of who I am on most days. I wish I was more intentional with them but I can’t do anything about that. Two Septembers ago is when my squad launched and where I spent practically 24/7 for 3 months with these girls.

When we met up as squad and/or other squads, I distanced myself from my team as much as possible. Most of our squad did that but my teammates took offense. Anything that went wrong with our team during those times was my fault. Some of the times, it clearly was but some of the time; I think it was my leader wanting to be able to say our team was unified. She wanted to be able to say that we mostly were good except that I hadn’t changed…that I for some reason wouldn’t try to pursue the team. In some ways, I some what felt like a project. 

Other stuff
I love getting to know people, hear stories and when we came in contact with our squad or another squad, I wanted to hear about their experiences. I want to hear about the crazy amazing God was doing in other teams because I already knew what God with and in our team. 

If I wanted to blame it on something then I would blame it  on that even though I didn’t have the greatest friends, I considered them siblings more than my blood siblings. It was the same with my sibling’s feelings towards their friends. My parents? Sadly always working just a little above minimum wage jobs. My house was just a stopping point for all of us. I was the one who stayed put the longest but again the reason is because my only good friend was in college about an hour and half way…and like today, I had no license..or car. My team was like my family and the others were like my friends.

How do I fix my thinking? How can get to the point of being raw with people? Can I get to the point of truly not caring what others are going to say or think and just speak up. Just share my stories not matter how depressing or repetitive they get.