Am I broken for never really desiring sex?

It seems like there has been challenges upon challenges when it comes to lodging while in CT. I have definitely spent more than planned and ended up having to borrow. I hate being in need and having to ask for help.

I do feel like throughout transition from the world race to living in America, I became dependent. I became comfortable. I was aware of what was given to me but I was in a rut. After four months of job searching, I got a job only to work about 6 hours a week for the first three months. I only could afford some groceries. Since I have touched on this subject many times, I will continue.

I do say that to say I really do hate to depend on others, mainly financially.

But God didn’t make me to be independent. He made me like everyone else to desire to be in community. To at least be with one other. I have fought this battle the majority of my life and I still do at times.

I have many friends all over America…well, and the world. When I have the chance to visit one or two of them, I jump on the chance.

That is what happened this time.

This is my first solo trip.

As always, I start big.

I have been in CT since Wednesday, July 31st, and will be here until Tuesday, August 13th, morning.  Not a weekend. Not even a week but almost 2 weeks!

I tend to be a spur of the moment of person….if you hadn’t caught on by now.

I had hoped I would serve a long a few mission places, see a friend, and meet a world race alumni..

I went to one prayer meeting which was pretty amazing.
I did get to experience an all African-American church this past Sunday. First time in America. It was amazing as well.
While exploring downtown Hartford, I discovered the ‘ghetto’. I decided to walk around a little bit. Felt some heaviness for sure.
A man in my hotel suggested that I come to his room if I wanted.

Even that I have spent over $300 extra, doing those  things above are what make it worth it!

Yes, I know I sound crazy but let me share a little bit of my experience.

The prayer meeting was to pray that sex trafficking would end on the Berlin Turnpike. I never thought I would become de-sensitized of sex trafficking but it happened.

I am not sure why my heart wasn’t there. I had never heard of the Berlin Turnpike until looking for ministries in CT.

The prayer meeting was at the ONLY church on the Berlin Turnpike. As I heard about when some of them went to the hotel parking lots and prayed, I got a headache. It went to my neck as more information was being given. I knew it was from the darkness on the Turnpike.

During that time, the reality of sex trafficking in the U.S. started to hit me.

The reality sunk farther as I walked past the good part of downtown Hartford. As I cross the street, I slowly realized I had found the sketchy side.

I walked on. [I was safe. I promise] I am not sure if or what was said, I had my headphones in with the volume on high. I did see some of the looks though.

I allowed myself to feel vulnerable to myself. I let myself become nervous when there were men on the other side of the street or a block away. I let myself acknowledge the drug deals. To see the kiss an older man blow in my direction. I even allowed a guy to tell me I had beautiful eyes, give me his business card, and call him if I wanted to go on a date. I threw away the business card once I got a couple of blocks away.

Yes, I shouldn’t have allowed most of that but I chose to continue into the neighborhood.

I also allowed myself to have a conversation with an older guy in my hotel where at the end, he invited me back to his room.

Allowing myself in those situations showed the darkness of what lust and the stigma that sex isn’t a big deal.

Sex is supposed to be beautiful thing.

I am 24. I am virgin. I have no desire to have sex. That makes me abnormal. But I know why it doesn’t mean I am broken or in better terms; handicapped/retarded.

The desire for sex in others is equal to my desire for physical touch. Physical touch=holding hands, cuddling. [the small stuff]

I didn’t realize the extent to that until the bus ride from Mobile to Austin that I took on Friday, July 27th, night where I made out a stranger. I wasn’t planning to. I didn’t realize how bad I had been crushing on my neighbor. He has long hair which I am a sucker for. Anyway, this just graduated high school guy was sweet.

I had been desiring friendship. I didn’t realized how much I loved physical touch like a hug until that night. We started by me laying his arms. We already had the conversation. I was determined to not make out with him before laying his arms. Before he had rubbed my arm.

I felt wanted.

The thing is though is that I felt numb as we made out. I think it only lasted 20 minutes. Why did I let it continue? It felt nice until we started making out.

I have made out with one other guy.

I was 15. It was my first kiss as well.

So, after greyhound guy..I have only kissed as well as made out with ONLY 2 guys.

I thought God allowed me to feel numb to be reminded of the girls who have to do way worse multiple times a day everyday.

He did that but it does make me think: am I destined to be alone?

I would be a boring girlfriend/wife if I felt numb every time my guy kissed me or we had sex. That just would not be fun at all.

God’s got me processing something that I wasn’t planning to write on but now that I have, I am okay with sharing it. It shares my heart. This is why I wanted to continue to blog. To be vulnerable in hopes that it would encourage others to be more vulnerable. 

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