Girl’s value in the privilege of being called a bridesmaid

Why does the title [bridesmaid] hold such an important part of a girl’s life?

Why does one seem to be crushed if not picked by a friend. Do we really find our worth in that one time in your friend’s life that we get stand up in front of everyone and pose for the pictures?

Where did the idea come from?

I honestly thought it I didn’t get to be a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding, I would be okay. I know that my easy going, quickly forget personality would make it impossible for me to go emotional or insecure. I knew I am usually the one out of all the friends that wouldn’t make a big deal and would still help with the planning.

Well, I am 100% wrong. That theory got to tested when one of my good friends got engaged recently. It’s like a whole new person emerged.

My mind raced with the question ‘would she pick me?’ and the crazy thing is we had the conversation way back when the idea of marriage began emerging.

I am doer. A helper. A server.

So without knowing for sure if I would actually be in the bridal party, I was there to support and help out in any way possible.

Maybe part of me wanting to be part of the bridal party is because it really does say something.

I hate to say it but well it does.

I also feel like I won’t have the chance to be a bridesmaid for many people because I haven’t stayed in one place for a long time or couldn’t keep a friend for more than a couple of months. I have some close friends but most of them eloped which I don’t look down upon…it’s definitely cheaper, less crazy, and easier.

I really didn’t expect to feel so much about some of things that I have either gotten angry, frustrated or annoyed about. I guess I should have realized that I kept telling myself those things because I knew for the reasons of numbers and how others would react that I would be the one who didn’t get chose.

Why do allow titles to hold power over our sense of self? Our worth is God, not some title.

I write this as a reminder to myself and maybe a few others that needed to be reminded of the one true father who loves us and will never ever leave us. There is nothing we can do make God love us more and there is nothing we can do to make God love us any less.

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Why I let God whisper the word cancer for 10 months before acting:

As I reread the short blog telling you what the whisper I felt God had been telling for the past 10 months was cancer, I realized I didn’t really explain it well.

When I first heard the word cancer, I was aware of two people who had different kind of cancers but were in the later stages.

I thought God wanted me to be sensitive to the subject and serve my friends who had a loved one who had cancer the best way I could.

And who wants cancer? NO ONE, duh!

I have been healthy all my life and I am in my mid-20s, I don’t want to think about the possibility of cancer.

No insurance and unemployed and no extra money.

I can’t afford health insurance until next semester because I can’t touch financial aid until then.

I called, it’ll costs roughly $135 for a mammogram. But I first have to go to the doctor which I guess makes sense.

Another thing is that I might need a MRI or CT.

I say that because my family history isn’t just breast cancer, it includes different kinds.

I pretty much need an annual but this would be the first one.

Let me say this again: if I come out healthy and something that isn’t as serious after all the doctor appointments and tests; then great! I would be so grateful. relieved. thankful. and appreciative.

This is one of the hardest things to give to God and say, “I trust you. Do your will.”

What are you not trusting God with today?

Cancer?

That 10 month whisper is cancer.

As of tonight, I do not have cancer.

I am going to call and see if South does mammograms and hope that I can pay the copay for the insurance with the school that I can’t afford until next semester. The insurance I plan to get covers the whole school year.

I have noticed things with my breasts that seem abnormal but may be nothing,

I have been fearful for over a week after going back and looking at a message my aunt on my dad’s side explaining the medical history. I needed it for a psych class at the time plus I really did want to know in case of anything alarming.

I knew my grandmother died young of some kind of cancer. It was breast cancer.

What I didn’t know is that her mother died of cancer in her 40s. The cancer is unknown.

I also have another relative that died of brain cancer in her 40s.

On my mom’s  side, a woman relative who died of ovarian cancer but I think she was older than 40.

So add to the fact that I feel like God has been whispering caner to me for the past 10 months and I have a family history of cancer; it is October: Breast Cancer Awareness month.

Also, I had a benign cyst removed from my left breast at 18. That is an increased risk to cancer.

Now, I know it could be nothing or it could be something that is benign but I am scared,

I mean terrified! I have been putting off calling all week.

I am choosing to write this to ask you to lift all of this up in prayer.

I am also writing for accountability. I feel like I will have a harder time putting off going for a mammogram now I am publicly admitting the reasons.

This is all for God’s glory. If it ends up to be nothing, then great! If It turns to be cancer, then I will prepare to fight it!

God is asking if I trust him. If I am tired of the anxiety.

Honestly, I am really terrified.

I will keep you guys updated. You know I will. Heck, I am telling you guys about this.

Fully aware of the impact of the Holy Spirit in my life

Without the holy spirit, I would be tangled in so many things and I truly believe I would not have made it to through high school.

I would have to started drinking at a younger age.

I would have to moved on from weed to stronger drugs.

I would have stopped caring about school completely and give up then drop out.

I would have experimented and possibly come out of the closet.

I would have felt so a lone that I would act on thoughts of harming myself.

I would get to the point that hurting myself wouldn’t help and I wouldn’t have enough motivation to stop myself from ending my life.

You see, I have been tempted with all of this but by the grace of God, He shielded me. He put people in my path that might have been involved in those scenes but didn’t expose me to them at a young age. They let me discover them through others.

God’s has allowed me to be reminded of the many obstacles I have faced throughout my life to show his love for me and the grace He lavishes on me daily.

Today has been a struggle. I have been tied down with lies.

Lies: That I am unnoticed. That I am forgotten. That I am a failure.

Mentioning failure makes me think about how I haven’t been able to pass the road test.

I have been told that yes, it takes practice but it’s not that hard. Yeah, not the best encouragement in the moment. I know it is not supposed to be hard and I should have been able to pass.

I should have my license and a car right now. I should have the freedom to go to a nursing home and get to visit people whose family live far away or don’t visit a lot. I should have the freedom to go apply to any job without the worry about distance or how I would get there. I could go be a volunteer at rape crisis calling center. But I don’t.

God is humbling me but there have been moments in these past few days where I don’t feel blessed or humbled. I become frustrated.

I am so glad the Holy Spirit is the business of redemption because I am daily reminded of his love for me. He has lavished his grace and mercy on me many times a day,

How is God blessing you today?

whispers

I have noticed that God whispers His plans that he has for me next. They aren’t detailed plans; they’re really just hints. Most of the times, they are just one word. 

The word that He has been whispering to me this past 10 months is a scary one and it is one that I have tried to push away. I know it is from God because he has been continuously whispering it to me.

Only getting one word makes it hard to know exactly what it means or how it will affect my life.

This 10 month long whisper would mean hardship but it could also mean healing of relationships and/or physical problems. 

I feel like He has been pushing this whisper even more this month. 

I want to let you all know what that one word that God has been whispering to me but I am afraid. I know if I tell someone then that means it’s real. I want to know for sure and what and/or who it pertains to.

I know it is all for His glory but it is hard to have faith and accept the new challenge.

Be in prayer as I take steps to take action on this whisper.

I’ll update y’all as soon as possible. 

Shocking news: please pray for Haleigh

I met Haleigh when I was manager for the cross country team at Blue Mountain. We didn’t talk until she got accepted to the world race this past December. I got pour into her over the next 6 months as she prepared for launch in July. She is the U.S. right now passionately loving and worshiping God as she discovers she has tumors.  

This is part of an update that Haleigh sent her world race team:
“2. The Lord is in all of this and has a plan and purpose. Even though we don’t understand sometimes.. There is a reason for everything that happens. 3. Most recent update from the doctor was this afternoon around 3-3:30. He came in and said that the three knots they saw in Nicaragua are definitely there and they are worse than they thought. One of the three knots is a tumor and one of the other tumors on my right lung has a pocket of something unknown on it. He also said there are several of them not just the three. Also all of my lymph nodes are inflamed and they aren’t sure why bc blood work is coming back normal. He said the sickness I had has absolutely nothing to do with these tumors. 4. Let’s thank the Lord that I got sick by if I wouldn’t have these tumors would have never been found. It’s a blessing. 5. Our God is alive and well. He wasn’t caught by surprise with any of this. He knows what’s happening and He knows what’s ahead. Regardless the outcome of these results we will continue praising and thanking the Lord for what he’s doing. 6. The lord has a pan for all of this. He’s never too early and he’s never too late.. He’s right on time. 7. Don’t get discouraged or question why… Let’s praise him through this all… 8. THE LORD IS WITH YOU MIGHTY WARRIOR. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOUR FATHER IS COMING DOWN TO SHUT THE MOUTHS OF THE LIONS. I PRAY HIS PEACE AND HIS LOVE OVER YOU! Love you kids! I’ll be seeing you soon! Feel free to share this with anyone. I know there has been question if its okay to share. None of what I’m going through is a secret. This is the Lords story!”

Pray for Haleigh and her family as new discoveries come and she begins whatever treatment that is needed. Pray for healing of the unknown sickness that caused the discovery of the tumors. Pray the holy spirit will invade Haleigh’s body and fight against these tumors and that the holy spirit will make them disappear. Pray that the scans, blood work, etc. will come back clear. Pray for a miracle. God is a god of miracles. I have seen God perform many in front of my eyes. I have heard many accounts. I know that God can heal Haleigh. I know that God has a plan and whatever happens; He planned it. He is the one in control. He is the one who allows us to go through things for His glory.

March 2012- Story behind shaving my head

The thought of buzzing my head entered my mind during training camp when one of my teammates talked about how she was planning a fundraising event of shaving her head.

In Nepal in October which was month 3, there were a few squadmates and a squad leader who shaved/buzzed/chopped off their hair. I honestly felt that God might want to shave my head.

The reasons were that it would bring freedom and lead to me being more bold. I remember thinking about how shaving the hair off would be taking the old, nasty stuff away. Having a shaved head represented me having a clean slate.

When it came down to it and I prayed about it for about the sixth time, God said ‘don’t shave your head.’ When I asked the reason, God explained that he tested me. It showed me that I am willingly to step out in faith and say yes even when I just feel a hint of what I think God wants me to do.

Once God told me not to shave my head, the thought of shaving my head never crossed my mind until month 7 in Uganda.

I chose to just listen to worship music and hear what God had to say one morning when I woke up somewhat early.

Out of no where, I hear God whisper, ‘shave your head.’ I am taken back by this because it had been 5 months since the idea of shaving my head was a thought. My hair plan was to grow it out at the point in the race. It had been a couple of years since it had been a good long length.

So as anyone naturally would, I asked why. God asked, ‘Don’t you trust me?’ I said ‘yes, but..’ God stops me in my tracks and repeats, ‘Don’t you trust me?’ I just say yes. I then say ‘I hate when people do this but I need a sign.’ So while I had my eyes closed and listening to my ipod; I chose that I would go to the left to reach a girl’s tent that had buzzed her head in Nepal. I planned to asked her for a word from God for me.

When I opened my eyes and looked to the left, I saw that the ‘maid’ was cleaning the area to the left. I was behind the house and there was a narrow path to get each side. As I came out from the side of the house, I saw the girl who I wanted to see getting water to a shower.

I asked God if her being there is the sign then realized I was the one who asked for a sign. That wasn’t enough for me to go up to her and tell her to ask God for a word for me and that she could tell me later.

As she went to go to take her shower, I stopped to say a few words to my team leader and another girl teammate. I tell them that I think God wants me to do something crazy like with Abraham and Issac. My teammate asked me if he was asking me to kill someone and I responded with a chuckle and no. Anyway, there was another teammate washing her hands a few feet a way.

I felt like God was urging me to tell them but I didn’t want to because I didn’t want it to be like it was in Nepal and God tell me not to shave my head a little bit later.

God had changed my attitude from the night before and I could feel myself feeling lighter and happier.

So, I decided to blurt it out. They ask why. I tell that God told me to and for me to have more boldness. I revealed a little bit later that I noticed that I was hiding behind my hair.  One of my teammates mentioned that she was going to tell me that a couple days back but hadn’t had the chance.

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maybe 2 weeks before

I decided to do it World Race fashion. I separate my hair in seven different pieces so that each one of my teammates could cut off a piece and declare truth over me. Then one of my teammates touched it up because it was at night and we had a church in the morning. We were also going on a mini vacation so I would have to wait a few days to go get it shaved. My teammates said my hair looked good if I wanted to keep it at that length. I said I would pray about it.

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 The in between stage

Not having access to a mirror and having regular power outrages, my looked like this one day during ministry:
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After praying about it for a little bit, I knew I had to shave it all off. God wanted my willingness to say yes. This was just the beginning of God asking me to do crazy things. aka I am pretty sure God wants me to get my doctorate. I think he wants me to help put together a program in trauma counseling specifically for the after care of sex trafficking victims.

That scares the mess out of me. That is more money and more time in school. More debt. But if that is God’s dream/vision for me, I just that he will provide the determination and put me in certain people’s paths to make this all happen.

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After

Not knowing the language made it pretty hilarious trying to explain that I wanted my head shaved. He buzzed my hair at the highest level. I had to keep telling him to keep going. Once he got to the point where the next one would shave all the hair off; I hesitated. I realized I needed to do it all because it symbolized that I need to give my all to God.

God deserves my all. I shouldn’t hold back. I shouldn’t give up.

I write this as a reminder that some of the things God is going to ask me to do are going to crazy, scary, and amazing things. I am grateful and cannot wait to see what else God has in store for me.

I am so thankful that God knows that big picture and all I have to do is wait for God reveal more of the picture as life goes on.

What is God asking of you? Be bold and confident! God loves gifting his children. When he sees that our faith is strengthened then he will challenge us in new ways. Be ready for God’s instructions.