Trying to let myself feel instead of becoming numb…it’s not pretty.

I want to scream.
I want to bang my head against the wall.
I want to do damage.
I want to tear down the picture.
I want to yank the others down.
Not that I don’t like them, it’s out of frustration and annoyance.

I’m fighting to not shut down. To not go back to my old ways and become numb. Fighting the urge to go to others than God. I am fighting to find a way to approach.

Communication needs to happen. Willingness to listen and be open.

It’d be easy to leave. To block it out of my life. But that can’t happen. If I learned anything from the race, it is that feedback is needed and nothing will happen unless action is taken.

Avoidance breeds opportunity to become more frustrated, angry, annoyed…to become numb. To stop caring. To stop trying. To drink. To give up.

It’d be easier to say the lie is true and that it is a struggle. That is what I used to do. Take the blame no matter who’s fault it was. I was say sorry and things would be like nothing happen.

This is something too big for that kind of lying. It’s too big for me to give up. The other person would have to choose to give up as well.

The other person would have to actually take the opportunity to talk. To listen. To let go of assumptions.

I would need to put down my frustration. I would need to show emotion…which is hard to do outside a time of worship. I would need to be straight forward.


When God gifts you as a feeler

Lately, God has allowed me to feel a little bit of what victims of sex trafficking and ones who chose to enter the business.

I still have times where I feel as though someone has put something over my head and I feel like they are going to choke me. I might have actually perceived that wrong. I think it is actually the moment when the victims are being taken. The moment they are most vulnerable.

Lately I have been feeling worthless, unloved, hopeless among a few others and since those are lies that I have struggled with before then I thought I was just hitting a rut.

But I don’t think so, I think God is keeping my thoughts and focus on Redemption Ministries. I am pretty sure the time for action is soon. Action doesn’t mean going in to the gentlemen’s clubs. It means right now to actively seek out possible partners.

Some of the other feelings that I have been experiencing are:
-not good enough
-that there is no where but down
-that there is no way out

I thank God for gifting me as a feeler. I am still learning to recognize the differnce between my feelings and others. Especially when I am not around the person. Intercession is important and now. realizing that these feelings are not mine, I can earnestly pray for the ones who are involved or trapped in this industry.

I patiently wait for God to send more warriors to pray, spread awareness, go and build relationships with the women in the gentlemen’s clubs.

I know I can’t make anyone join me on a mission that I am passionate about. Especially this one.

All I can do it pray and obey what I feel God is asking me to do.

Side note:
I know that a lot of times, people become passionate about something they have experienced or someone close to them has experienced it. That is not the case with me. God planted a seed senior year of high school and have been watering it for the past 6 years. I am super excited for the harvesting season. Like I’ve said, I am not entirely sure when that’ll actually happen but I can sense that it’s close.

I was never been sexually molested. I am a virgin. I have never been kidnapped. I have never been in real danger. I have never struggled with lust or masturbation. I have struggled with wanting to be intimate but all that is to me is cuddling or being able to lay my head on someone’s chest…just to be close with someone. [I know, lame but I am also glad that God spared me from the sin struggle. I did deal with wanting to harm myself..but that’s a story for another topic and blog post.]  I have never had a friend or relative that I know of who has been raped or kidnapped or taken advantage of in that way.

Accepting the call

I always knew missions would be in my life and I would always be looking forward to some mission thing.

I once thought about being a career missionary but pushed it away because I was afraid. Afraid of not having funding. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of feeling dependent on others. 

All of those things were seeds of lies that were planted. If God calls me somewhere, he’ll provide. It may only be the necessities but that would be more than enough.

This morning, I felt God urging me towards full time missions. 

To finish my schooling. That my work place will be considered the mission field to many others. 

This morning, I let myself and God know how little faith I have. I began questioning him. The big question was finances. I have over $20,000 in student loans and I still have a year and half left at South then 2ish years getting my masters. Doctorate is still up in the air.
God responded by shaking his head and saying ‘My child. You have always had everything you ever needed. There will be times of trials but there will never be a time where you are in need.” 

I don’t know where God will send me when I finally get done with school. It could be somewhere in the states. It could be Asia, Africa, Middle East, or anywhere in the world. We all know I am willing to travel anywhere and that I have recently learned how to get involved in a community pretty quickly. 

I have a feeling that many of you are not surprised by this. 

I guess I shouldn’t be either.

The dreaded thought of support raising is what makes me nervous.

I know I have about 4ish years before I have to worry about support raising for being a full time missionary.

Do you feel God placing a vision upon you that freaks the mess out of you? Are you going crazy trying to figure out how it is all going to work out?

Well, STOP! God is in control and if he has called you to do such then he’s got you! He’ll provide. He’s going to walk along side you the whole way!