I want to scream.
I want to bang my head against the wall.
I want to do damage.
I want to tear down the picture.
I want to yank the others down.
Not that I don’t like them, it’s out of frustration and annoyance.
I’m fighting to not shut down. To not go back to my old ways and become numb. Fighting the urge to go to others than God. I am fighting to find a way to approach.
Communication needs to happen. Willingness to listen and be open.
It’d be easy to leave. To block it out of my life. But that can’t happen. If I learned anything from the race, it is that feedback is needed and nothing will happen unless action is taken.
Avoidance breeds opportunity to become more frustrated, angry, annoyed…to become numb. To stop caring. To stop trying. To drink. To give up.
It’d be easier to say the lie is true and that it is a struggle. That is what I used to do. Take the blame no matter who’s fault it was. I was say sorry and things would be like nothing happen.
This is something too big for that kind of lying. It’s too big for me to give up. The other person would have to choose to give up as well.
The other person would have to actually take the opportunity to talk. To listen. To let go of assumptions.
I would need to put down my frustration. I would need to show emotion…which is hard to do outside a time of worship. I would need to be straight forward.