Raw vulnerability

I don’t like myself but I do love myself…I think.

I have come to the realization that I am pretty independent because I had to be. I unfortunately need others but don’t we all. I think I either act independent or completely the opposite. I haven’t found a middle ground or at least I haven’t been able to be content in the middle ground.

You could say that I have a high value on friendships; maybe too high. I can’t seem to figure out where the boundary line is between friendship and relationship. I have ruined many friendships because of this flaw.

I’m always in a vicious cycle of trying to figure out how not be fully independent but not be too needy or too selfish. I fear if I speak up about feeling excluded or some other idiotic thought that I will sound needy and come off clingy. I know people choose to stay in your life and care about you because they listen as well as stick around.

Or is that I make myself stay around and become like a leech. I then find myself becoming annoyed by how I am acting. I then do this. Write blog. Not sure if that it is a bad thing but I need to get better at face to face, even talking via text or facebook. I don’t know how to hold a conversation.

I seem to know how to listen or I know how to share all my problems but not listen In friendships. It is always one extreme or the other.

I don’t do well at keeping friends and I guess I have always blamed myself for that but never enough to figure out the reason or at least never cared enough to work on it.

I don’t know if I should ignore that I am starting sound a little bipolar or not. I don’t know if there is something else going on or if I am overreacting. I don’t know what to think. Maybe I should I just pray for God [and not go see anyone] to give me clarity and pray that I will focus on the present..not the past of the future. And that I will not think about where I should be in life. I want to pray that I will eventually desire what most mid-20 something singles do; a relationship, a family, to be settled but should I. Probably not. Probably should be praying for guidance to the root of all of this.

Is there point of being too vulnerable? If so, I think I reached or most likely passed it with all of this.

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Easter! It is sunny outside and feels wonderful which is why I hate to be in this emotional state. I hate seeming unloved or unwanted or anything that is opposite of what I am.  I got to go to a church where many of the members know me and care about me. I know that I have an amazing church family. I got serve this morning by helping in the infant-toddler room during the 10:45 service and it was a blessing. It is a blessing to spend every Sunday during Sunday school hour with the 3-5 year olds. They are so precious and I see God’s beautiful creation when I am with them.

You see, I know God is a good God. I know that he is my comforter and my peace as well as my father. I know that he loves me and that knows what’s going on. I know that he is the one that has the completed puzzle and I only have pieces that I have been trying to put together. It is a jumbled process. It’s a humbling experience.

So, I truly do hope that everyone had a blessed and wonderful Easter!