Struggling to learn when and how to let go

When entering friendships, I tend to latch onto the ones where there is a connection. It takes a lot for me to walk away. I am usually unhappy for a good while before I choose to inflict anymore hurt onto myself by continuing to put myself in situations with friends.

I struggle with the fear that I will never be able to commit to anyone if I choose to run therefore I stay. I think that is honestly why I am okay with being single. I also fear that I enter an abusive (verbal, emotional, and/or physical) relationship and won’t be able to get myself out.

And there is how I feel about myself most of the time:
-Not worth anyone’s time
-Not worth anyone’s heart
-Not worth sharing my time
-Not worth sharing my heart
-Not worthy
-A burden
-A failure

Truth to the lies that are the cliché Christian answers with reality:
-I am adopted but still have past hurts as well a lot of issues.
-I still have a brick wall up; even between myself and all the stuff I have not dealt with because I cope by distraction and avoidance.
-No matter how much I dislike that the thought, I may need to revaluate the timeline of the next few years
-Sacrificing your possible happiness/feeling complete is not worth this pain or frustration.

I know I am not the only who struggles with these things. My stuff might be different from others but we all struggle with something. Some are more willingly to be open about their struggles while others protect with their life; so let’s be understanding of how each other decides to share. Let’s be open to differences.

I’m struggling. Repeating the cliché crap isn’t helping. It’s actually making it worse.

The worst thing is that sometimes, I’m not in control what happens in my brain or what happens to my emotions.


I apologize in advance for possible TMI

Unexpected changes throw you for a loop. Hopefully, most of them are changes for the good or bring happiness to your life.

Unfortunately, the unexpected ones do not bring good emotions. It usually means there has been some kind of tragedy. This time, this change has caused this week to be difficult.

Useful techniques of the past couldn’t touch this week.

Now that I am starting to make it sound like it is bigger deal than it actually is, let me share what I have dealing with.

It started off with me having no appetite and nausea while blaming it on the rain and slight weather change. Later that day, I started my period but didn’t connect the two. My periods are typically mild. They usually last 3 days will mild cramping. I have had a few where I experienced some terrible cramps and backaches but not every single month.

I know that you’re probably thinking “don’t say your week was ruined by your period” but actually, it might have.

I have been lucky to have easy periods. Only the past year has it been causing problems.

I have noticed negative psychological effects that have accompanied majority of the months.

Until this week, I didn’t know that nausea was associated with menstrual cycles.

During the evening of the second day, I started to experience somewhat intense cramps.

I think I now understand when some women have told me that their cramps were so bad they would miss school or work.

I plan to get my hormone levels check soon to if they are the culprit.

Side note: Not sure why I am writing this blog in a choppy manner but we shall continue…

What made all of that make me week difficult because it caused me to hardly eat which has caused my body to have the typical side effects=fatigue, concentration difficulties, irritability, and headaches. I haven’t been able to my school work. I have struggled to remember that feelings of despair is most likely the hormonal imbalance.

Writing this out it sound not like a big deal but it threw me a curve ball and I am trying to recover.

I have a feeling that I have had hormonal imbalance for years but the levels have just gotten higher with age.

In the past, I have made it sound like my family and friends don’t show that they care and are here for me. I am sorry family and friends to make it look like I put all the blame on you. That was and is not my intention. I know thinking back that it has caused other family members to go to other family members and try to put an unnecessary burden on them to keep an eye on me or check up on me. There family members on the receiving end knew me well enough to know that I was making it sound worse than it was. And that it was all in my head and emotions.

I have unintentionally played the blame game many times in subtle ways. Please forgive me family and friends as I try to find grace to trudge the past in hopes of bringing healing. To also learn to develop grace for the present as well and finding acceptance of the many things I have ignored for many years.