When entering friendships, I tend to latch onto the ones where there is a connection. It takes a lot for me to walk away. I am usually unhappy for a good while before I choose to inflict anymore hurt onto myself by continuing to put myself in situations with friends.
I struggle with the fear that I will never be able to commit to anyone if I choose to run therefore I stay. I think that is honestly why I am okay with being single. I also fear that I enter an abusive (verbal, emotional, and/or physical) relationship and won’t be able to get myself out.
And there is how I feel about myself most of the time:
-Not worth anyone’s time
-Not worth anyone’s heart
-Not worth sharing my time
-Not worth sharing my heart
Truth to the lies that are the cliché Christian answers with reality:
-I am adopted but still have past hurts as well a lot of issues.
-I still have a brick wall up; even between myself and all the stuff I have not dealt with because I cope by distraction and avoidance.
-No matter how much I dislike that the thought, I may need to revaluate the timeline of the next few years
-Sacrificing your possible happiness/feeling complete is not worth this pain or frustration.
I know I am not the only who struggles with these things. My stuff might be different from others but we all struggle with something. Some are more willingly to be open about their struggles while others protect with their life; so let’s be understanding of how each other decides to share. Let’s be open to differences.
I’m struggling. Repeating the cliché crap isn’t helping. It’s actually making it worse.
The worst thing is that sometimes, I’m not in control what happens in my brain or what happens to my emotions.