Here’s the quick update.
I have been seeing my therapists consistently for a month now.
I have been taking anti-psychotic medicine for two months.
I had to request a change in mg for the dosage.
I feel like I have my life back!
Okay, now on to the meaty details.
It took one long year of being at my weakest after a decade of struggling to do it my own while relying on God. There was a moment during the earlier years where I asked God why. There have been many moments in the year of 2015 that I had asked God if I only needed him then why couldn’t he just take me to heaven.
In those moments in when I knew my strength was dwindling and I had to seek help. I knew I couldn’t just journal, blog, talk to people, try to change my thoughts or mood, or ignore my thoughts or mood. I could no longer push the thoughts, feelings, or mood down and become numb.
I know that God is the only reason that I am still alive. God has shown me so much mercy and grace. He has given me the desire to work with individuals who have been trafficked. This passion has helped me continue to seek my degree in psychology. As of June 2016, I will completed all coursework required to get my bachelors.
Being diagnosed with anxiety and depression and now with the help of counseling and medicine, has given me freedom in knowing that things are on the road to a more balanced, happy life.
I allowed the unspoken stigma cultural of saving face is more important than happiness. That if I act, do, and look the right way then I will be happy. Culture focuses on the outward appearance with no worry on the inner workings of an individual. There seems to be a slow change the cultural atmosphere that is helping show that mental health is important.
There have some who still only belief the stigma when think of mental health. I am fighting along meaning people to break the silence and end the stigma of saying mental illness but to day mental health. We are also working raise awareness of the many areas that fall under mental health. We are working to eliminate the barriers that cause many to not seek help and loose hope.
There are still moments where my anxiety and depression take over where I feel trapped but now I am working on coping mechanisms. It is a trial and error thing and I have high hope that one day I will be able to handle those moments so that I can back control of my life.
Those moments now only last a couple of hours where there used to be days, sometimes even weeks where there seemed to be only darkness.
During those days/weeks were where I couldn’t stop myself from thinking I was not seen, worthy, or heard. I couldn’t stop myself from only thinking about what people were doing and thinking I was not thought or that no one wanted me to be around them. it was a vicious cycle.
God has given me the desire of deep community and the intimacy that a group of people has when they live life together. The desire to be a vital part of the church. The desire to reach the ones who come in hoping someone doesn’t comment on their worn shoes or asking where have they been because they don’t want to share that they barely have enough money to cover the necessities or they had to work to pay for their necessities. I want to reach the ones who are walking in hoping that someone greets them the same way they would an old friend. I want to reach the ones have felt or thought any of the feelings or thoughts that I have had when entering.
i want to do this other places than the church. I just know that God has given me a deep desire of the church being a family.
If God had meant for it to be just you and him then why create the church? Why gather at all? Why server together? Wouldn’t we just go and tell about God on own?
I would attempt to apologize to all the people I have hurt with my anxiety and depression mind but I know that there are many in the background or in the chain of communication that have been affected. I am not even sure if I need to apologize.
I do need to say a thank you though.
Thank you for your patience.
Thank you for the ones who I have been open with.
Thank you for praying for me.
Thank you for reaching out. [even if I haven’t come to you]