Wishes while functioning and struggling with mental health

I wish…
…I could self harm just once so that people would take it seriously (too much of a possibility of that causing an added problem)
…I knew what I needed to do to get better
…there was someone who would check in regularly and that I knew what that looked like
…what kind of therapy would help
…what physical ailments were related to anxiety, stress, or depression and what might be a sign of some physical sickness that I should get checked out (problem with having no insurance. You have to decipher when to go to the doctor.)
…that I could find a way to directly reach out to people without it stressing the mess out me. Every time I feel that I am in crisis mode and should reach out, I think about what might be going on in someone’s life before reaching out. Which causes me not to reach out because everyone has things going on in their lives.
….I could get to the root causes of my mental health struggles
….that there weren’t wait lists to see a therapist (then again I don’t have insurance therefore have limited resources)
…that people in the church wouldn’t have such a negative view on counseling/therapy and medication people might need to deal with their mental health struggles. Yes, prayer with time in the bible and memorization helps but doesn’t always bring healing. I can have peace while struggling mentally. God allows people to go through different struggles for His glory. This could be one way He is using me. I got to believe that because I know He is the only reason I am still alive on Earth. If my time here was done, I wouldn’t be here.

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The struggle

The struggle is wanting a forever companion but no desire to marry or even date.

The struggle is wondering why I started with that. Most likely because I miss living in a community. You see, I moved from the Southeast to the Northeast (or is Michigan Midwest?) a month ago.

The struggle is choosing to vulnerable yet not knowing who or where to turn to do so.

The struggle is knowing the thoughts and worries you want to be vulnerable are most like irrational and what’s the use of talking about the irrational.

The struggle is claiming people as my support system but not being direct on what I need from those particular people.

The struggle is facebook deleting a message that I had planned to send to those that I claim as my support system.

The struggle is fighting numbness and to fight to be honest and vulnerable with myself.

The struggle is realizing that anxiety has decided to come back with a raging fire after taking a month long vacation…or maybe it was a business/strategy session on how to attack my mind.

Do know that I thankful that I got a job with full time hours and soon to be benefits within a week of being in Michigan.

Know that God has confirmed many times that He has called me to Michigan.

 

Might have found a church to call home

I visited Courage Church which is a little church in Mexicotown of Detroit  on the fourth day of being in Dearborn. My roommate was working so I decided to walk 5 miles because when I googled Assembly of God churches in Dearborn, that was the closest that popped up. The wife of the pastor was preaching that day and she said a lot of things that confirmed God calling me here to Dearborn. Unfortunately my roommate works Sunday mornings and I probably could take the bus but I was really hoping to find one closer.

The next Sunday, my roommate and I went to Floodgate where my roommate has attended a few times. The problem is that it is 45 minute drive away. I really enjoyed the worship and the word given was about transition so it was obviously something that struck a cord in me.

While walking to work on my first day, I passed by Springwells, an Assembly of God church, that is less than a mile from my apartment. I told my roommate about it and she said she passed on her run that evening.I decided to go to check them out on a Wednesday night. I wasn’t sure what their Wednesdays looked like so I found out they have bible study. We went through a few verses and broke down each verse. Questions were welcomed and referencing verses was expected. There was good conversation and questions asked that I would have never thought of.

Sundays at Springwells happen in the evenings. Sunday school is at 4 then dinner at 5 with worship following at 6. This past Sunday, the worship service was spent in prayer since it was 9/11 and they wanted to pray for our country, the Muslim population, and other issues that are going in the world.

Springwells is a missional church which means the pastors raise their support. They minister to the Muslim population in Dearborn. I don’t know the percentage but I know the majority of Dearborn population are Muslims.

I am praying about what part I am going to play in ministering to the Muslim population through Springwells church.

Have I found my resting place?

My automatic response to when connections seemed to no longer be bounded is to run. I have run from church to church, group to group. Some happened suddenly and some happened slowly over time.

I am tired of changing churches when it seems like I am worthless and a burden. That has unfortunately has happened too many times. I don’t want to say specifically what happened at each church because it doesn’t matter.

I don’t even want to talk about why I have fought to stay put at the church I am at for the majority of the time I have attended. I have been there for a little over two years.

I haven’t gotten the chance to directly experience what the family that is called the church yet. Maybe my expectations of a church family is too much. Not exactly sure where they all came from.

When people talk about the church family, I hear things such as living life together, being there for each other, willingly to walk through the dark and hard times with each other among other cliches that many who have attended church have heard.

I have noticed that people are good at doing those things when it is with the people you know are have known for a while.

I get it. It can be scary to go the unknown. To be willingly to go through things with people you barely know through dark times. It is hard to try support someone who hasn’t experienced direct support.

I don’t know why I have such a desire to be active in a church but it’s there and I have been searching. If that desire wasn’t so strong, I would have left the church the long time ago and would have given up trying to finding one.

I do have an amazing community in RUF.

I know one of my major flaws is that I don’t open up to others when I am currently suffering or in a dark place.

I have tried not saying certain things because I don’t want people to make quick conclusions. I write blogs because I don’t want to be a burden to anyone by sharing what is going on. i choose to share personal things [to an extent] on this blog so that people can choose to hear about my life if they want. I don’t want to force someone to have listen to me.

I don’t want to be a burden.

I know that my mindset isn’t in the place to seek people out. So this is my plea for you to reach out. I know some might think I am seeking attention and if you gave it to me that it wouldn’t help me. [I don’t know] I’m pleading for you to reach out because I am not exactly sure who to trust. Even if you reach out, I might be hesitant to tell you anything. I ask you to keep at it. To be patient. To keep getting in contact with me.

I know that this seems to be putting pressure on people and that I might be upset if you don’t reach out then I will somehow lash out. I am trying to get better at how I handle disappointments. I know I might have accidentally or subconsciously purposely called people out on here without specifically naming the person or group; that is how I coped. Sorry to the people/groups who I have done that to.

I wish I could say I was strong enough for it to just be God and me but God didn’t create us to be alone on earth.

I have gotten so much support from RUF and it has helped a lot.

Unfortunately I am still struggling to go to people in the moments of anxiety and depression but working on it. Please pray for me doing this time.

I know there are others out there that have felt similar. Know that you are not alone. Seek help. Speak out.