Pulling weeds while thinking it’s the root

The hardest but sometimes the best thing to do is just let go.
I have always struggled in friendships. I somehow only know how to be a best friend and have no idea how to navigate any of the other stages. I dive in head first into the deep end without looking back to see if my new friend joined me. I have set my standards and they seem unattainable.
God has been revealing that some of my standards and expectations should be only held for my future spouse. I have never been close to my siblings or parents. No one is to blame. Busy schedules and different interests didn’t help. I think un-diagnosed mental health issues add a whole new level. I know that my family loves me [and I love them] but I have never received emotional support or felt a connection. 
I have been searching for the connect, the sisterly bond in friends. The majority of people have great family connections who are their built in support system. I have received financial support but lack the personal, emotional support that every human hopes to have.
I told a few people that they were my support system but didn’t explain what that meant. That is because I didn’t even know where to begin or how to explain what I needed. I am still searching for that answer and how to explain to those who I have chosen to enlist as my support system.
I am doing good. I have felt complete peace since entering Michigan and God has been good. God is continuing to allow me to see the parts of myself that needs to be worked on. He is showing me the root of my issues slowly. I keep pulling at weeds thinking I had pulled the root. God has been gracious to allow me to work though the weeds to get back to the root and try again to pull the root out.

Mental health

God is in the business of redemption and restoration.
He patiently works his way through out stubbornness.
He allows us to go though messy situations.
He allows for not so great things to happen.
He allows us to struggle
So that our faith will be strengthened.
So that the world gets to see His glory.
So that we fully rely on Him.

He gives patience.
We squirm like a little child.
We want things instantly.
We want things to go overall smoothly.

We have become entitled
Thinking we deserve a good family.
Wisdom and knowledge to do well in life.
Even thinking we have the right to the bask necessities.
All of these are privileges.

God has given us grace
So that we get the chance to have these things.
We take for granted all that God has allowed us to have.
Especially in first world countries.
The majority have the basic needs:
Shelter, security, clean water, and access to food.
We even get pleasures such as education, clean air, and enjoyable food.

These are not bad things but
Since most of are born with these things
And do not know what is like to go without.
It has caused to strive for more, for better.

Having access to all of these things
Are a way of not seeing the internal struggles.

Mental health has been stigmatized for far too long.
Mental health has been the scapegoat for too many tragedies.
Mental health is not supposed to be bad.
Mental health affects other parts of your body other than your brain.
Mental health is as important as physical health.

Mental health problems are not a result of sin or lack of faith.
Seeking help shows strength and boldness.
God gave knowledge and resources so that
Individuals could help others through struggles.
So that there could advances in medicine
To help with imbalances in the brain
Just like medicine can help kill cancer cells.


I apologize in advance for possible TMI

Unexpected changes throw you for a loop. Hopefully, most of them are changes for the good or bring happiness to your life.

Unfortunately, the unexpected ones do not bring good emotions. It usually means there has been some kind of tragedy. This time, this change has caused this week to be difficult.

Useful techniques of the past couldn’t touch this week.

Now that I am starting to make it sound like it is bigger deal than it actually is, let me share what I have dealing with.

It started off with me having no appetite and nausea while blaming it on the rain and slight weather change. Later that day, I started my period but didn’t connect the two. My periods are typically mild. They usually last 3 days will mild cramping. I have had a few where I experienced some terrible cramps and backaches but not every single month.

I know that you’re probably thinking “don’t say your week was ruined by your period” but actually, it might have.

I have been lucky to have easy periods. Only the past year has it been causing problems.

I have noticed negative psychological effects that have accompanied majority of the months.

Until this week, I didn’t know that nausea was associated with menstrual cycles.

During the evening of the second day, I started to experience somewhat intense cramps.

I think I now understand when some women have told me that their cramps were so bad they would miss school or work.

I plan to get my hormone levels check soon to if they are the culprit.

Side note: Not sure why I am writing this blog in a choppy manner but we shall continue…

What made all of that make me week difficult because it caused me to hardly eat which has caused my body to have the typical side effects=fatigue, concentration difficulties, irritability, and headaches. I haven’t been able to my school work. I have struggled to remember that feelings of despair is most likely the hormonal imbalance.

Writing this out it sound not like a big deal but it threw me a curve ball and I am trying to recover.

I have a feeling that I have had hormonal imbalance for years but the levels have just gotten higher with age.

In the past, I have made it sound like my family and friends don’t show that they care and are here for me. I am sorry family and friends to make it look like I put all the blame on you. That was and is not my intention. I know thinking back that it has caused other family members to go to other family members and try to put an unnecessary burden on them to keep an eye on me or check up on me. There family members on the receiving end knew me well enough to know that I was making it sound worse than it was. And that it was all in my head and emotions.

I have unintentionally played the blame game many times in subtle ways. Please forgive me family and friends as I try to find grace to trudge the past in hopes of bringing healing. To also learn to develop grace for the present as well and finding acceptance of the many things I have ignored for many years.