A glimpse into moving cross-country and starting a new job

I have been in Dearborn, Michigan for two weeks now and it has yet to sink in. I felt complete peace since landing into Detroit airport and have felt all the time. My anxiety and depression aren’t as bad as they were. I am not saying that I am completely healed but I do feel that God has protected me from feeling extreme depression or anxiety.

The day after I got here, my roommate and I worked as quality control inspectors at an auto parts place. It was mundane but we got paid above minimum wage and worked 9 hours.

I spent the next week walking to places around and applied online to a few places. I got a call the same day as applying. I got the job the day after the interview. Today was my third day working at Panera Cares. I will be getting full time hours. All of this was an answered prayer and confirmation that God has me right where He wants me.

Panera Cares is a partner of Panera Bread and functions the same but customers are able to pay a donation. So they either pay the amount that it actually costs or less if they cannot afford to pay to full cost or more to help offset those who cannot pay the full amount.

There is a bus that runs near my home to Panera Cares but I have very limited funds until I get paid early next week. The weather been really nice so I’ve walked home the past two days. I have been thankful that my roommate has been able to pick me once and dropped me off a few times.

On my home today, I got distracted by some of the natural beauty that surrounds the roads. Here are some pictures I took with my phone on the way home:

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I am not sure if this happens a lot but one of the perks of closing tonight is that I got free mac and cheese.
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I ate most of it before thinking to take a picture.

My roommate and I tried a burger place that is walking distance from our apartment. Can anyone guess the reference?img_1852-3If not, that’s okay. I didn’t either until my roommate said something about it. Here’s a hint:

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Here’s a little humorous sign that was there as well.
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I went for a run the other day and my split times for the first two miles were pretty good. I usually run a 12 minute mile so I was pretty proud of myself for running a mile under 11 minutes. I am also proud that all my miles were under 12 minutes. I ran a total of 4 miles without stopping. The weather did feel great that day. It was definitely fall weather.

While on my run, I  ended up running to something about Henry Ford which is not that surprising that me living right outside of Detroit.

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img_1875-3The past few days have been pretty warm but not as humid as southern Alabama. There was a short, little storm yesterday while at work that made me chuckle and reminded me much of Mobile weather.

Thought I’d post a blog of things I have been wanting to post about but hadn’t. I realized it was enough to write a blog. I hope you enjoyed this little snapshot into my life currently. I might try more. We shall see.

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Handle with tender loving care

It’s easy to forget how bad it sucked to be in a bout of depression when things are going good. I think that is a good thing because why would you focus on bad moments in your life when life is treating you well. What not remembering doesn’t help is when trying to explain those dark times in your life to people who had been there but didn’t recognize that you were struggling. This isn’t me placing blame on anyone. Please do not read this paragraph as that.

It’s been about a month and a half since my first bout of depression while on anti-depression medication. Anyone should know that one of the side effects of anti-depression medication is suicidal thoughts and sleepiness among others that it is supposed to be helping stop. The medication was not the cause of the bout depression occurred from complications with financial aid kept on piling up on me.

I couldn’t be mad at anyone in the financial aid office for me taking to so long to seek professional help for my depression and anxiety. I can’t be too upset with myself for not seeking help sooner. There is no one to blame. Depression and anxiety doesn’t allow for realistic perceptions of life.

It is hard to change how you deal with things when you’ve spent your whole [or the majority of] life coping a certain way.

With school being out and yet to find a job, time is not good for non-dealt with issues that was put on the back burner because the routine of school with a somewhat packed schedule and organizations that were at school. Issues that you and your mind need to wrestle with and some issues involve talking to people. They involve discussing tough topics with people in your life that you’ve been bottling up.

It’s hard to try to describe my depression pre-medication as well as that first bout of depression since starting medication. I literally had moments where I was too tired of not being to change my mindset, thoughts, or emotions from racing thoughts and untrue thoughts from replaying in my mind. Even though I knew most of the thoughts were exaggerated or complete lies, there was no way of redirecting them.

I was tired of trying and trying yet always failing. Failing with school work. Failing in friendship aspect. Failing in any relationship aspect. Failing at having a plan.

God made me resilient. He made me overly loving and gave me the love to want to know people. God made me with a huge desire for community. God gave me the desire for someone to share everything with but not the desire to date or marry. This desire was for a best friend which I know that a significant other is that. For reasons I have yet to figure out, God gave me a desire for friendship, not a dating/marriage relationship.

I am starting to wonder if I treat every friendship like it’s relationship and that is where troubles/issues arise.

In moments that I have felt like that world is against me, I’ve thought about messaging/calling friends to come be with me but I don’t because I think I fear that would be asking too much. I will think about how much they might be stressed about school, work, other people in their life that might have priority, so many other things that I consider are more important than me. Or I know how irrational my thoughts are and I don’t want to bother anyone else because of the same reasons that I listed above.

Well…that’s a little bit what is in my head yet I am afraid to share with others.

 

Story of rediscovering my issues with speaking

I overheard a conversation that was something about a child who decided to not talk as often because other kids couldn’t understand him. A comment was made about how lonely the child must feel.

I can relate to the child because I became that person in most situations. Only my tiny circle of friends knew how much I liked to talk.

Unfortunately growing up, I couldn’t grasp the concepts my speech-language pathologist  was trying to teach me. Or it might have been that the techniques I was trying to learn wasn’t the right ones. Plus, I am very stubborn and I probably didn’t want to learn a new way of talking.

I still struggle with annunciation, opening my mouth wider when talking, and slowing down.

It has been suggested by two people that are in separate parts of my life to think about see a speech language pathologist. They’re both worried about job interviews and work environments. I don’t know if I will actually try to find one to see.

I saw the speech language pathologist during my preschool years up to around 6th grade. It didn’t look like I was improving so I decided to stop.

So I just looked up different speech disorders which is something I have never done. Not sure why I haven’t. Probably because I made peace with having a speech impediment.

I watched a youtube video of a girl who has apraxia and she sounded similar to me.

I am not claiming that I have apraxia over myself but it does help with trying to figure out I should go see a speech language pathologist.

Apraxia is a motor speech disorder. The messages from the brain to the mouth are disrupted, and the person cannot move his or her lips or tongue to the right place to say sounds correctly, even though the muscles are not weak. (http://www.asha.org/public/speech/disorders/ApraxiaAdults/ )

Learning about apraxia has stirred up emotions such as relief because I somehow never thought of not being able to speak well could be caused by a malfunction in my brain. I used to say I had a speech impediment but as some point I stopped. Not saying I am going to starting using the term again. I blamed people not understanding me because I knew I talk really fast, quietly, and do not annunciate well.

I have known I need speak slowly and more clearly. In situations where I am nervous or excited, I have hard time making myself slow down and try to be more clear.

I remember quite a few time during my freshman year of high school (years before and after as well but freshman year is the most clearest), many times people chose to laugh instead of asking for clarification or for me slow down.

My issues with speaking has affected me seeking help for my anxiety and depression. I hadn’t realized that until today. They may not have a major affect but they were part of why I took so long to seek help.

 

Breaking the silence

Because of other’s opinions and concerns.

Because I chose to be numb for so many years, I have been afraid of what emotions would come from letting myself process.

Because I am not the best writer.

I share my story because I know my voice matters. My story matters. I matter.

And  because I want others to be brave enough to share their story in any context they choose to do so. I want others to know they have a voice that needs to be used. They have a story that needs to be told. I want others to know they are worthy.

My story may not involve anything dramatic such as abuse, divorce, addiction, or any other thing that people find serious or worthy of being considered hardship in normal society’s eyes.

I had a normal southern childhood. Grew up in church. Grew up in a two parent household. Spent every major holiday with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I even saw my extended family that more than major holidays. I had friends in my neighborhood that I either walked or biked worry free. We left our doors unlocked for many years.

I lived the middle class white family life. None is this is wrong.

These are just some bits of my childhood.  I want to share more just not sure where to start. I am going to try to set up a schedule to write more of my story. In doing so, I hope to get better are knowing what to include and know what’s unnecessary and doesn’t need to be included.

Another reason I want to share some of my story is because I hope to write a book in the future.