The struggle

The struggle is wanting a forever companion but no desire to marry or even date.

The struggle is wondering why I started with that. Most likely because I miss living in a community. You see, I moved from the Southeast to the Northeast (or is Michigan Midwest?) a month ago.

The struggle is choosing to vulnerable yet not knowing who or where to turn to do so.

The struggle is knowing the thoughts and worries you want to be vulnerable are most like irrational and what’s the use of talking about the irrational.

The struggle is claiming people as my support system but not being direct on what I need from those particular people.

The struggle is facebook deleting a message that I had planned to send to those that I claim as my support system.

The struggle is fighting numbness and to fight to be honest and vulnerable with myself.

The struggle is realizing that anxiety has decided to come back with a raging fire after taking a month long vacation…or maybe it was a business/strategy session on how to attack my mind.

Do know that I thankful that I got a job with full time hours and soon to be benefits within a week of being in Michigan.

Know that God has confirmed many times that He has called me to Michigan.

 

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Pulling weeds while thinking it’s the root

The hardest but sometimes the best thing to do is just let go.
 
I have always struggled in friendships. I somehow only know how to be a best friend and have no idea how to navigate any of the other stages. I dive in head first into the deep end without looking back to see if my new friend joined me. I have set my standards and they seem unattainable.
 
God has been revealing that some of my standards and expectations should be only held for my future spouse. I have never been close to my siblings or parents. No one is to blame. Busy schedules and different interests didn’t help. I think un-diagnosed mental health issues add a whole new level. I know that my family loves me [and I love them] but I have never received emotional support or felt a connection. 
 
I have been searching for the connect, the sisterly bond in friends. The majority of people have great family connections who are their built in support system. I have received financial support but lack the personal, emotional support that every human hopes to have.
 
I told a few people that they were my support system but didn’t explain what that meant. That is because I didn’t even know where to begin or how to explain what I needed. I am still searching for that answer and how to explain to those who I have chosen to enlist as my support system.
I am doing good. I have felt complete peace since entering Michigan and God has been good. God is continuing to allow me to see the parts of myself that needs to be worked on. He is showing me the root of my issues slowly. I keep pulling at weeds thinking I had pulled the root. God has been gracious to allow me to work though the weeds to get back to the root and try again to pull the root out.

Handle with tender loving care

It’s easy to forget how bad it sucked to be in a bout of depression when things are going good. I think that is a good thing because why would you focus on bad moments in your life when life is treating you well. What not remembering doesn’t help is when trying to explain those dark times in your life to people who had been there but didn’t recognize that you were struggling. This isn’t me placing blame on anyone. Please do not read this paragraph as that.

It’s been about a month and a half since my first bout of depression while on anti-depression medication. Anyone should know that one of the side effects of anti-depression medication is suicidal thoughts and sleepiness among others that it is supposed to be helping stop. The medication was not the cause of the bout depression occurred from complications with financial aid kept on piling up on me.

I couldn’t be mad at anyone in the financial aid office for me taking to so long to seek professional help for my depression and anxiety. I can’t be too upset with myself for not seeking help sooner. There is no one to blame. Depression and anxiety doesn’t allow for realistic perceptions of life.

It is hard to change how you deal with things when you’ve spent your whole [or the majority of] life coping a certain way.

With school being out and yet to find a job, time is not good for non-dealt with issues that was put on the back burner because the routine of school with a somewhat packed schedule and organizations that were at school. Issues that you and your mind need to wrestle with and some issues involve talking to people. They involve discussing tough topics with people in your life that you’ve been bottling up.

It’s hard to try to describe my depression pre-medication as well as that first bout of depression since starting medication. I literally had moments where I was too tired of not being to change my mindset, thoughts, or emotions from racing thoughts and untrue thoughts from replaying in my mind. Even though I knew most of the thoughts were exaggerated or complete lies, there was no way of redirecting them.

I was tired of trying and trying yet always failing. Failing with school work. Failing in friendship aspect. Failing in any relationship aspect. Failing at having a plan.

God made me resilient. He made me overly loving and gave me the love to want to know people. God made me with a huge desire for community. God gave me the desire for someone to share everything with but not the desire to date or marry. This desire was for a best friend which I know that a significant other is that. For reasons I have yet to figure out, God gave me a desire for friendship, not a dating/marriage relationship.

I am starting to wonder if I treat every friendship like it’s relationship and that is where troubles/issues arise.

In moments that I have felt like that world is against me, I’ve thought about messaging/calling friends to come be with me but I don’t because I think I fear that would be asking too much. I will think about how much they might be stressed about school, work, other people in their life that might have priority, so many other things that I consider are more important than me. Or I know how irrational my thoughts are and I don’t want to bother anyone else because of the same reasons that I listed above.

Well…that’s a little bit what is in my head yet I am afraid to share with others.

 

why is seeking help such a hard concept to grasp?

I am blessed to live in a country where we have decent health care. Where I have a choice of hospitals and not have to worry about making a long trek to the one hospital that has the bare essentials. Where disease such as malaria or HIV is not rampant. Where we live in the modern age of advanced technology. Where our society is trying to make it known that we don’t have to stay silent and we shouldn’t.

I have always had a pretty good immune system and never really had a ‘family’ doctor. I know I have had psychological issues but never spoke up about them until recently. When I had already figured out how to deal and learned how to overcome whatever was bothering me. The thing is just because I was able to cope and deal with whatever situation was going didn’t mean it just went away. That I never thought of it again or that at moments, I got overwhelmed by all of it.

I want to make a career in professional counseling but the scary thing that I have realized is that you can’t help others before helping yourself. You can’t be messed up or have things that could trigger an emotion or thought when you are trying to help someone else. You just can’t. You can listen. You can possibly empathize but you can’t help. It has taken me a while to even somewhat admit that I have things in the past that I haven’t let go of. That I haven’t dealt with. There are issues on the surface level as well the deep levels.

I don’t know how I want to seek help. I don’t know if I want to go to clinic on campus and talk to someone or look into clinics around Mobile. Or do I just spend time with God and let him reveal to me where I should start. And then just journal and talk with him. Can it be that simple? Getting the point of knowing what freedom looks like and not sure if I’ve reached it. If I have the full embrace of 100% freedom. Actually, I know I haven’t.

I know I have trust issues. I have co-dependency issues. I have abandonment issues.

The one thing I do believe is that though God, there can be 100% freedom for me. The thing is that I have to fully trust him. I have to trust that if I feel like God is saying that going to see someone and that person will help release you from the chains that you have been carrying for so long. Or I have to trust that whatever he brings up during times I am doing a listening prayer will actually benefit me. That even though he is going to bring up a lot of past experiences and issues; that by doing that will set me free finally.

I just admitted that I don’t fully trust God. I want to and even when I look back on all the times I know he saved me from so much self damage; I still can’t let go of control.

Please pray that I will loosen the grips and that I will become willingly to let God totally mess ┬áme up to make me beautiful. To make me stronger than ever. To help get to the point of actually letting people get to know the below the surface level of me. That I will begin to desire to get know more than just what is on the surface of people’s lives. That I will start asking the hard questions.