I haven’t written a blog in a while. I’ve been meaning to but decide to not exert the energy. I somewhat still have the fear that I’ve always had that no one cares. That no one wants to know what’s going on in my life, my head, or my heart. I say this because this will probably contain a shorter version of most of the blogs I wanted to write over the past month but never did.
Over the past couple of months, I thought God wanted me to do three separate things and I am still not sure I choose the right path. But I get reminded of something that was said at Project Searchlight+ which is for world race alumni and the saying was “go with the biggest maybe.” Which I have added just now in my head; “until you succeed or fail” We were told to not fear failure.
I thought God want me to go to CGA which is a discipleship school with AIM, the organization I went on the world race with.
I thought God wanted me to lead a college age trip called Passport with AIM
I thought and pretty sure God wants me to go back to school.
I fear that this isn’t the right choice because I don’t know if it is God and me wanting to please others. I fear that others thing I am experiencing Peter Pan syndrome and don’t want to grow up.
But with every thing I thought God wants me to, I am stepping out in faith. I am trying to walk in obedience.
The easy one for me would be to go do something with AIM because of the environment and the community. Community is part of the packaged deal.
Ironically the hard part for me with the world race was community not raising the $14,800 even though I had no idea where it was going to come from. I trusted God completely with how the money would come in. I applied for the world race because I love traveling and love serving through missions but with all the blog stalking, I didn’t pick up that I would be traveling with at least 5 other people. That I would be living every moment with them. That I wouldn’t get to choose the people either. I found that out and realized that 2 weeks later at training camp.
So I have befriended a coworker and I am so happy that we got to hang out last week. I got to her some of her story and she has an amazing heart. Then she told me that she’s moving back home, about 2 hours away] in June; possibly earlier. My heart sunk but I understand the reasons. I am pretty understandable person but it just plain sucks.
it sucks that I finally found someone outside my roommate’s friend group after 7 months of being here in Mobile. Before the world race, I knew how to cope because it seemed like people didn’t stay close to me more than 4-6 months. I learned how to commit and love hard early on in the friendship. I put myself fully in those friendships and it hurt big time every time a friend moved on. On the world race, the longest time I was with anyone was 3 months with the exception of one who I got to stay with for 4 months. The difference is that I lived those 3 months 24/7 months with these people knowing that this time was precious. The only time I knew the team change was coming with the first one at the end of month 3.
The only time I have a had a friend longer than 6 months was in high school when I became co-dependent for about 4 years and we were beyond a good friendship. She would only call when she was tired of her band friends or having boyfriend troubles.
I have always craved consistency but I don’t even know what that looks in a healthy way. I never realize until I have done but I know in some way that I sabotage the friendship.
I feel like I am broken beyond repair and I know that is a lie straight from Satan.
I know a lot of this is Satan but it’s hard to fight off when not surrounded by others who believe that literally nothing is impossible with God.