Tribute to Deputy on FOX

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(Photo: Miller Mobley/Fox)

Deputy stole more of my heart than I had realized. I was gutted at the news of no season two and instantly began the #savedeputy tweets. I got so passionate that I was getting frustrated with the character limits and didn’t want to mess with threads. I decided to do this because Deputy addresses so many important issues while showing them so beautifully.

I honestly will probably leave out one or two as there were so many good topics that make me as an advocate scream with glee. I am going to do bullet points in hopes that I don’t ramble.

Not sure that I need to be warning: spoilers ahead.

• ICE raids on innocent immigrants were stopped by Sheriff Hollister. This quote says it all:
  “people need to know it, regardless of how they got here. Because if they’re afraid to come to us for help, then we gift-wrapping about a million victims for every bad guy in town to prey on with total impunity.” Sheriff Hollister
• Human trafficking shows that some undocumented individuals got in the US as victims.
• Foster care is shown in a positive light and also highlights some negative motivations that show why there are not good foster parents. I love that it shows the foster care to adopt side and the struggles that kids can have when coming into a new home. I also like how Cade and Teresa hit some hurdles as they were trying to adopt the kids.
• Infertility plays a minor part but I do think it was really cool that they provided space to give light to the pain of struggling to have biological children.
• Homelessness and tent cities were given space as a main aspect of an episode. Hard things need to thrown in our face for some to take notice.
  • Veterans who are homeless take a major role in the eighth episode.
  • Addiction plays a bigger role showing the realities that soldiers face when they return home.
• PTSD was part of one of the character’s storyline for many episodes. It was nice to not see them rush the healing. I loved see her take the power back. I am really glad that we were able to see receive some healing.
• Fox was the first television network to have a non-binary character and they were portrayed by a non-binary actor!! They went a step and had Bishop, the non-binary character, discover the words to describe themselves in an episode. They also were able to have a conversation about their pronouns to a coworker. How amazing is that all of that was able to be on TV! I also love how they didn’t overdo it. It felt right.
• Mentoring being shown is a big thing for me personally because I have never truly had one and I feel that mentors help develop in whatever way possible. I loved watching Minnick mentor Harris.
• Racial profiling was done in a way that wasn’t overdone. It’s something that people of privilege do not take a second glance. It’s prevalent for sure and differently still a big issue.
• Black and Blue pops up in a few episodes. It was humbling to see a few of the struggles African Americans who in uniform deal with everyday.
• Police brutality was addressed in an episode where some deputies were using too much force and the Sheriff was able to be there in the moment to remind them the right way.

The cast beautifully executed their work! I want to describe them more but my brain decided to start shutting down on me for the night. The camerawork was fantastic!

I am not going to proofread which could mean really anything. I will admit that I struggle with grammar so I apologize to all the English major folks and/or writers. I wrote this because I wanted to express my immense gratitude and love for the show as well as the cast!

Wishes while functioning and struggling with mental health

I wish…
…I could self harm just once so that people would take it seriously (too much of a possibility of that causing an added problem)
…I knew what I needed to do to get better
…there was someone who would check in regularly and that I knew what that looked like
…what kind of therapy would help
…what physical ailments were related to anxiety, stress, or depression and what might be a sign of some physical sickness that I should get checked out (problem with having no insurance. You have to decipher when to go to the doctor.)
…that I could find a way to directly reach out to people without it stressing the mess out me. Every time I feel that I am in crisis mode and should reach out, I think about what might be going on in someone’s life before reaching out. Which causes me not to reach out because everyone has things going on in their lives.
….I could get to the root causes of my mental health struggles
….that there weren’t wait lists to see a therapist (then again I don’t have insurance therefore have limited resources)
…that people in the church wouldn’t have such a negative view on counseling/therapy and medication people might need to deal with their mental health struggles. Yes, prayer with time in the bible and memorization helps but doesn’t always bring healing. I can have peace while struggling mentally. God allows people to go through different struggles for His glory. This could be one way He is using me. I got to believe that because I know He is the only reason I am still alive on Earth. If my time here was done, I wouldn’t be here.

strength vs struggle of mental health

Many people wonder why I choose to post on social media about my struggles. Not many directly tell me this but some have informed of other’s concern.

Here’s the reason: to break the stigma surrounding mental health and encourage others to become informed of the realities of mental health struggles [not just what movies, shows, and books show].

Here’s the main reason people think I post but never my intention: attention

I used to not post about my struggles until they passed and I was back to being positive.

I want to be positive. I really do. The thing is I do not know how to deal with my emotions and I do not have a support system set up. I also deal with the fear of being a burden. Therefore I rarely reach out to someone personally while I am struggling.

I somehow thought I grew up in a culture where emotional issues and any developmental issues was not discussed therefore they could not exist. That’s how I perceived it.  Probably not reality.

I chose numbness as a coping mechanism when facing issues growing up. It still the first thing I tend to do when facing an emotional stressor. I don’t remember much of the details of my life because the numbness blocked those memories.

Over the past few years, I have gotten to a breaking point with my mental health. I have had several moments where a passing thought of suicide will occur. It only last for a moment. Not long enough to make a plan. Just enough time to suggest how. I deal with a thing called suicide ideation which is where it can range from just fleeting thoughts to planning. I am thankful that I just get fleeting suicidal thoughts. What a weird thing to say, right?

I want to be vulnerable but I know I don’t need to or shouldn’t share too much detail about the specifics of my mental health struggles.

There lies the problem where it is hard to know how much to share so that people get an idea of what it looks like to deal with a mental health struggle. I want to share about the faults I have faced with people in my life when it comes to trying to share about my mental health but not single anyone out or have it seem like I am pointing fingers. {Welcome to my anxious mind}

I do not have a support system set up. I have never had one set up. I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to talk to someone about being part of my support system. I don’t even know what I need in a support system.

I know that I am worn down from fighting this on my own. I am on a waiting list to see a therapist at the psych clinic at South university where a grad student will attempt to help me with life and how to deal with my emotions.

 

My breaking point in Thailand

It was month 8. I was on my 4th team and would only have this team for 1 month. 

I hoped that this month would be full of redemption with a few teammates and there would be great bonding with the others because I hadn’t had a chance to get to know them.

Our ministry was in the red light district with one other teammate.

I was excited to be do ministry with my teammate. I hadn’t had the chance to get to know her.

The thing I didn’t know was she suffered from depression due to imbalanced chemicals in her brain. I did know that she has had issues with alcohol and knew that ministry would be hard for her.

I chose to be naive in the fact that I thought it still would be a good month for our team. That I would be able to connect with an old teammate. [Impossible, a lot of time conflicts] That I would be able to give feedback in a timely manner. [Nope, I waited until the end of the month and still didn’t say everything.] 

Three teams + six squad leaders of E squad lived in the same house we did. We did part of our ministry with some of their people. They are amazing group of people and loved that I got the chance to get to the ones I did. 
Side note-We got to to see them the next month in Cambodia as well! 

There are these two girls, maybe at the ages of fifeteen and eight, sell flowers til late at night [sometimes 3am or later] that every team had met at one point and time. One night, I brought all of the flowers from hoping her and her sister would be able to go home and stop selling but I later realized that probably wasn’t case. 

But since I did buy all of their flowers, they got to hang out with us for a while. I think this was the third or fourth time we had come in contact with each other through out that month. 

Then something I was not expecting, she was a christian. She had a cross on her cheek which gave her the opportunity to invite my teammate and I to church and lunch after. I was really excited because these were precious children of God who he protects while they are in the red light district selling flowers. 

Something else happened that I wasn’t expecting. My teammate wouldn’t wake up the next morning.

Plus, I was out of minutes on my phone. I want to say I talked to her once saying we would be late but not that we possibly wasn’t going to be able to make it.

The rest of my team was leaving to go to pet tigers. Everyone else had dates or different things planned. 

I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere alone. 

I became frustrated. I hated that the girls probably were up really late on the streets and now waiting on us. 

I got not so happy looks or responses from my teammate. 

I have never really had a close friend that suffered from depression by the cause of being chemically imbalanced. I didn’t know if she could wake up, take a pill, and than an hour later..be all good. She did share with me a time before that morning that some mornings, she wakes up not wanting to be alive. 

It’s hard to fathom waking up to that thought process. To be continuously fight that battle. 

I found out later that she didn’t take some medicine the night before that would have helped. That didn’t make me angry. Then again, I had probably already chosen that I couldn’t do anything about it so I had to stop being angry and frustrated. 

Before I got to the point of choosing grace, I broke down. It was after my team left and after I tried waking up my teammate once more. 

I just started crying. I was mad that I couldn’t go by myself. I was mad that I couldn’t wake my teammate. I was mad that I was out of minutes. I was mad about something one of my other teammates said before they left. There were a lot of things I was mad about that didn’t come to mind then or now.

Then, I start to pray. Asking God to forgive us for not being able to meet up these young girls and for not being able to get  in contact with them. 

The positive of that day was that my teammate did wake up and we were able to meet up the girls. We went to the mall for lunch and my teammate brought some stuff for them. 

The struggle

The struggle is wanting a forever companion but no desire to marry or even date.

The struggle is wondering why I started with that. Most likely because I miss living in a community. You see, I moved from the Southeast to the Northeast (or is Michigan Midwest?) a month ago.

The struggle is choosing to vulnerable yet not knowing who or where to turn to do so.

The struggle is knowing the thoughts and worries you want to be vulnerable are most like irrational and what’s the use of talking about the irrational.

The struggle is claiming people as my support system but not being direct on what I need from those particular people.

The struggle is facebook deleting a message that I had planned to send to those that I claim as my support system.

The struggle is fighting numbness and to fight to be honest and vulnerable with myself.

The struggle is realizing that anxiety has decided to come back with a raging fire after taking a month long vacation…or maybe it was a business/strategy session on how to attack my mind.

Do know that I thankful that I got a job with full time hours and soon to be benefits within a week of being in Michigan.

Know that God has confirmed many times that He has called me to Michigan.

 

Might have found a church to call home

I visited Courage Church which is a little church in Mexicotown of Detroit  on the fourth day of being in Dearborn. My roommate was working so I decided to walk 5 miles because when I googled Assembly of God churches in Dearborn, that was the closest that popped up. The wife of the pastor was preaching that day and she said a lot of things that confirmed God calling me here to Dearborn. Unfortunately my roommate works Sunday mornings and I probably could take the bus but I was really hoping to find one closer.

The next Sunday, my roommate and I went to Floodgate where my roommate has attended a few times. The problem is that it is 45 minute drive away. I really enjoyed the worship and the word given was about transition so it was obviously something that struck a cord in me.

While walking to work on my first day, I passed by Springwells, an Assembly of God church, that is less than a mile from my apartment. I told my roommate about it and she said she passed on her run that evening.I decided to go to check them out on a Wednesday night. I wasn’t sure what their Wednesdays looked like so I found out they have bible study. We went through a few verses and broke down each verse. Questions were welcomed and referencing verses was expected. There was good conversation and questions asked that I would have never thought of.

Sundays at Springwells happen in the evenings. Sunday school is at 4 then dinner at 5 with worship following at 6. This past Sunday, the worship service was spent in prayer since it was 9/11 and they wanted to pray for our country, the Muslim population, and other issues that are going in the world.

Springwells is a missional church which means the pastors raise their support. They minister to the Muslim population in Dearborn. I don’t know the percentage but I know the majority of Dearborn population are Muslims.

I am praying about what part I am going to play in ministering to the Muslim population through Springwells church.

A glimpse into moving cross-country and starting a new job

I have been in Dearborn, Michigan for two weeks now and it has yet to sink in. I felt complete peace since landing into Detroit airport and have felt all the time. My anxiety and depression aren’t as bad as they were. I am not saying that I am completely healed but I do feel that God has protected me from feeling extreme depression or anxiety.

The day after I got here, my roommate and I worked as quality control inspectors at an auto parts place. It was mundane but we got paid above minimum wage and worked 9 hours.

I spent the next week walking to places around and applied online to a few places. I got a call the same day as applying. I got the job the day after the interview. Today was my third day working at Panera Cares. I will be getting full time hours. All of this was an answered prayer and confirmation that God has me right where He wants me.

Panera Cares is a partner of Panera Bread and functions the same but customers are able to pay a donation. So they either pay the amount that it actually costs or less if they cannot afford to pay to full cost or more to help offset those who cannot pay the full amount.

There is a bus that runs near my home to Panera Cares but I have very limited funds until I get paid early next week. The weather been really nice so I’ve walked home the past two days. I have been thankful that my roommate has been able to pick me once and dropped me off a few times.

On my home today, I got distracted by some of the natural beauty that surrounds the roads. Here are some pictures I took with my phone on the way home:

 

 

 

 

I am not sure if this happens a lot but one of the perks of closing tonight is that I got free mac and cheese.

I ate most of it before thinking to take a picture.

My roommate and I tried a burger place that is walking distance from our apartment. Can anyone guess the reference?If not, that’s okay. I didn’t either until my roommate said something about it. Here’s a hint:

Here’s a little humorous sign that was there as well.

I went for a run the other day and my split times for the first two miles were pretty good. I usually run a 12 minute mile so I was pretty proud of myself for running a mile under 11 minutes. I am also proud that all my miles were under 12 minutes. I ran a total of 4 miles without stopping. The weather did feel great that day. It was definitely fall weather.

While on my run, I  ended up running to something about Henry Ford which is not that surprising that me living right outside of Detroit.

The past few days have been pretty warm but not as humid as southern Alabama. There was a short, little storm yesterday while at work that made me chuckle and reminded me much of Mobile weather.

Thought I’d post a blog of things I have been wanting to post about but hadn’t. I realized it was enough to write a blog. I hope you enjoyed this little snapshot into my life currently. I might try more. We shall see.

Pulling weeds while thinking it’s the root

The hardest but sometimes the best thing to do is just let go.

 

I have always struggled in friendships. I somehow only know how to be a best friend and have no idea how to navigate any of the other stages. I dive in head first into the deep end without looking back to see if my new friend joined me. I have set my standards and they seem unattainable.

 

God has been revealing that some of my standards and expectations should be only held for my future spouse. I have never been close to my siblings or parents. No one is to blame. Busy schedules and different interests didn’t help. I think un-diagnosed mental health issues add a whole new level. I know that my family loves me [and I love them] but I have never received emotional support or felt a connection. 

 

I have been searching for the connect, the sisterly bond in friends. The majority of people have great family connections who are their built in support system. I have received financial support but lack the personal, emotional support that every human hopes to have.

 

I told a few people that they were my support system but didn’t explain what that meant. That is because I didn’t even know where to begin or how to explain what I needed. I am still searching for that answer and how to explain to those who I have chosen to enlist as my support system.

I am doing good. I have felt complete peace since entering Michigan and God has been good. God is continuing to allow me to see the parts of myself that needs to be worked on. He is showing me the root of my issues slowly. I keep pulling at weeds thinking I had pulled the root. God has been gracious to allow me to work though the weeds to get back to the root and try again to pull the root out.

Fully trusting God’s plans

A door opened for me to move to Dearborn, MI. A door into many uncertainties but God has confirmed that this door has been clearly open by him. I am not much of a planner and have the soul of a free spirit. Now, that doesn’t mean I am just going on a whim and not trying to plan as much as possible.

God hasn’t given me a picture of why He wants me there but I learned a long time ago to just say yes when you feel God calling you to do something or go somewhere. God has always blessed me in the times o f obedience.

I will be staying with a World Race alumni that I have not officially met but World Race alumni are family. Megan Czerwinski has a dream to start a non-profit to work with teens who have been abused or dealt with addictions and use art therapy as part of the healing process. I love the idea of art therapy and even consider it as career before God called me to go on the World Race. I don’t know if I will be able to part of the non-profit but that was the first sign that I felt God give me about this being an open door.

The second sign I believe God gave me was the prices of the megabus to Atlanta and a flight to Detroit. I researched prices for megabus, greyhound, amtrak, and flights. Sometime last week when I checked last week, a flight to Detroit on August 17th was $89 pre-tax. I checked today and it is now down to $49! Praise God because I was expecting the flight to be over $200/300. The cost of the megabus is $10 right now.

I only screenshot the price for Monday, August 15th but the cost is $5 for every Monday of the month of August.

As you see above, flights are $49 on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I applied for a seasonal job at OfficeMax in Mobile so I might be leaving later in August that the 15th. I am going to call tomorrow to figure out the details. I will update this blog as needed. I might post a blog of updates. Not sure right now.

I have been looking at LinkedIn at possible jobs in Dearborn and in Detroit which is about 15 minutes from Dearborn. The city transportation options seem better than Mobile’s so that is a plus and will help a lot with expanding options for jobs. I applied for an admitting position in a hospital in Detroit last week so hopefully timing will work out.

I plan to get involved in ministries that reach out to those who are,  have been, or vulnerable to getting trapped in the system of human trafficking. Yes, it happens in the US if you somehow have been living under rock. It might not be in a sweat shop or in front of bars. I want to also reach the men who pay for services of the people are trapped in the human trafficking. I also want to reach out to the bar owners and the ones who own/are in control of those trapped in human trafficking.

There is a big Arabic/Muslim population that I would like to get involved in a ministry to ministers to that community once I get settled in and know roughly what my work schedule will be like.

There are many uncertainties as you can tell but I know God does not open a door without provision. I am not saying I am expecting for God to provide me with a flow of finances. Although I do believe that if I am being faithful in saying yes to where He is calling me that everything I need will be provided. Yes, I may only eat roman noodles for a while and work somewhere that will not help give me experience for doing something in the mental health field but I will not go a day in lack.

Fund the nations designed a shirt for me to sell to help me get to Michigan as well pay living expenses until my first paycheck. The money I will get from (hopefully) OfficeMax will go towards finances that I still have in Mobile.

Here is what the shirts look like:

The cost is $20 and offered in sizes XS-3X. They said they run a little snug so if you can’t decide on a size, order the larger size. I will need money before I order the shirts so I have set up a venmo account.

The verse below the Adventures Await is Isaiah 55:8-9:
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways” declares the Lord. “As in heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Please keep me in your prayers through this whole process. I am the kind of person does well living in the here and now so I am excited to see what God is going to do in Michigan and in me in the coming years but it hasn’t hit me that I’m leaving Mobile in a little more over a month from now. I don’t think it’ll hit me into I’m in Michigan and been there for more than a week.

Also, my lease is up at the end of this month and there is already someone that is moving into my room in August. So please be in prayer about me finding a place to stay until I leave Mobile. Anyone have a room/couch that I could sleep in/on for a couple of weeks in August?

Do you have a hard time saying yes or fully trusting God when there are uncertainties? Are you willing to move somewhere you never thought you would on the feeling that God clearly opened a door for you there?

Handle with tender loving care

It’s easy to forget how bad it sucked to be in a bout of depression when things are going good. I think that is a good thing because why would you focus on bad moments in your life when life is treating you well. What not remembering doesn’t help is when trying to explain those dark times in your life to people who had been there but didn’t recognize that you were struggling. This isn’t me placing blame on anyone. Please do not read this paragraph as that.

It’s been about a month and a half since my first bout of depression while on anti-depression medication. Anyone should know that one of the side effects of anti-depression medication is suicidal thoughts and sleepiness among others that it is supposed to be helping stop. The medication was not the cause of the bout depression occurred from complications with financial aid kept on piling up on me.

I couldn’t be mad at anyone in the financial aid office for me taking to so long to seek professional help for my depression and anxiety. I can’t be too upset with myself for not seeking help sooner. There is no one to blame. Depression and anxiety doesn’t allow for realistic perceptions of life.

It is hard to change how you deal with things when you’ve spent your whole [or the majority of] life coping a certain way.

With school being out and yet to find a job, time is not good for non-dealt with issues that was put on the back burner because the routine of school with a somewhat packed schedule and organizations that were at school. Issues that you and your mind need to wrestle with and some issues involve talking to people. They involve discussing tough topics with people in your life that you’ve been bottling up.

It’s hard to try to describe my depression pre-medication as well as that first bout of depression since starting medication. I literally had moments where I was too tired of not being to change my mindset, thoughts, or emotions from racing thoughts and untrue thoughts from replaying in my mind. Even though I knew most of the thoughts were exaggerated or complete lies, there was no way of redirecting them.

I was tired of trying and trying yet always failing. Failing with school work. Failing in friendship aspect. Failing in any relationship aspect. Failing at having a plan.

God made me resilient. He made me overly loving and gave me the love to want to know people. God made me with a huge desire for community. God gave me the desire for someone to share everything with but not the desire to date or marry. This desire was for a best friend which I know that a significant other is that. For reasons I have yet to figure out, God gave me a desire for friendship, not a dating/marriage relationship.

I am starting to wonder if I treat every friendship like it’s relationship and that is where troubles/issues arise.

In moments that I have felt like that world is against me, I’ve thought about messaging/calling friends to come be with me but I don’t because I think I fear that would be asking too much. I will think about how much they might be stressed about school, work, other people in their life that might have priority, so many other things that I consider are more important than me. Or I know how irrational my thoughts are and I don’t want to bother anyone else because of the same reasons that I listed above.

Well…that’s a little bit what is in my head yet I am afraid to share with others.